Aujourd'hui, femme divorcée, je suis en couple depuis 2 ans et demi avec un homme divorcé lui aussi. Il dit à un un ami, qui refait sa vie également : "C'est normal, on aime moins que la première fois." Voyant mon expression vexée, il me dit : "Tu ne le savais pas ?" VDM
Aujourd'hui, afin de préparer le chat à l'arrivée du bébé, je diffuse la vidéo d'un nouveau-né qui pleure. Si ça n'a pas du tout réveillé le chat, "Ce bruit est finalement vite assez chiant quand même…" selon le futur papa. VDM
Aujourd'hui, 8h30, mon boss m'appelle pour me demander s'il peut passer chez moi pour parler de l'organisation du restaurant où je travaille. Nous ne sommes pas proches personnellement, et j'ai quitté le restaurant à 23h30 hier soir. Je dormais. VDM
Aujourd'hui, mon mec m'a quittée parce que j'ai obtenu une promotion qui fait de moi sa supérieure hiérarchique. VDM
Aujourd'hui, mon copain a aimablement qualifié mon appart de "trou à rats". Ce même appart qu'il est bien content que j'aie parce que sa mère, chez qui il vit, ne le laisse pas avoir de copine a la maison. VDM
Aujourd'hui, j'ai invité tous mes amis à ma baby shower. Ils ont tous été d'accord sur un point : je n'ai jamais été aussi agréable que depuis ma grossesse. VDM
Aujourd'hui, j'inspecte les oreilles de mon fils de 3 ans et je dis à mon conjoint : "Il va falloir acheter des cotons tiges." Mon fils, qui a été plusieurs fois suspecté de Covid, me regarde d'un air très inquiet et me demande : "Maman… des cotons tiges pour le nez ou pour les oreilles ?" VDM
Aujourd'hui, je donne des cours particuliers à un ado. Il m'a demandé si je ne voulais pas arrêter les maths deux minutes et le sucer. VDM
Today, at 17 years-old my doctor told me my balls are riddled with multiple small cancerous tumours. They are now useless for sperm production and will have to be removed anyway to cure the cancer, but not to worry, for aesthetic reasons they can replace them with silicone balls instead. FML
Today, the psychiatrist who I've been relying on to evaluate my condition to give me some real help, who I've been waiting on my appointment with for three months, suddenly rescheduled me until February next year. Why? Because she's "not working that day". I can't afford to see anyone else. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he hoped I don’t get pregnant because he’d hate to have to dump me to escape fatherhood. Thinking he was making an insensitive joke about my single pregnant sister, I asked how many women he dumped for falling pregnant. He looked me dead in the eye and said, "Four." FML
Today, I was hooking up with a girl, but when she got my pants down, she got mad and left, saying she was gonna kill her sister who lied to her about me having a large penis. FML
Today, Facebook stopped working and I realized how emotionally dependent I am on social media. FML
Aujourd'hui, j’ai 22 ans et suis directeur d’une entreprise de 25 personnes. Chaque jour, clients et fournisseurs me prennent pour un stagiaire. Mon stagiaire a 24 ans. VDM
Aujourd'hui, je suis allée chercher ma fille de 3 ans à l'école. Je vais vers elle, elle lève les yeux vers moi, et je vois à son regard qu'elle met une seconde à me reconnaître. "Maman, pourquoi t'as changé la couleur de ton masque ?" VDM
Aujourd'hui, et depuis plusieurs mois, pour avoir une érection avec ma copine, je pense à sa mère. VDM
Today, I got offered an interview for a great job. My father then spent the entire dinner telling me how pointless it was, and how I should apply to the factory next door because I would spend all the extra money on gas. FML
Today, my mother thought it would be a wonderful idea to make me late for me own wedding. It wouldn't be so bad if she hadn't focused solely on my sister because my wedding didn't center on her. The sister in question snubbed being my maid of honor over a year ago, and just decided to randomly show up. FML
Today, I love my husband to death and want sex all the time, meanwhile he claims he loves me too but constantly turns down sex and has even managed to negotiate a promise that I won’t ask for sex on special occasions like his birthday. What am I doing wrong? FML
Today, I found out that the giant tumour on my leg isn’t cancerous or dangerous. My mom cried, and I was super relieved. Later on, I heard her on the phone in tears because now she won’t be able to get a free vacation or home renovations from the Make A Wish foundation. FML
Today, I was studying my anatomy book for nursing school while in the break room at my day job. My nosy-ass, ignorant coworker who always finds a way to butt into everyone’s business told the front office I was looking at porn. I got written up for, "displaying offensive materials." FML
Today, I'm dead on my feet after being awake since 1AM with the baby. I begged my wife to watch both the baby and our four year-old for an hour while I napped. She refused, and instead said she needed a rest more. Her reason? “I might need to do a shit later.” FML
Today, after telling my boyfriend I never achieved an orgasm with any of my past partners, and therefore telling him what I need to get there, he won't even touch me, let alone do anything "down there" because he has never done it on any of his past girlfriends, and thinks it's gross. I make sure to always be fresh and clean. FML
Today, my sister called me a selfish cow, all because I wouldn’t let her have a portion of my daughter’s life insurance check so she can go on a shopping spree. She’s more upset about that than her niece passing way. FML
Today, my 3 year-old toddler wanted to try my wine. I kept telling her it’s adult juice and she wouldn’t like it. When she kept bugging me about it I gave in, and gave her a tiny sip. She liked it, and continued to bug me about it even more. FML
Today, I had way too much to drink at a work picnic and started crying at about my ex, who cheated on me, while sitting on top of a slide at a playground. FML
Today, I'm 20 years-old and I was propositioned by a 42 year-old man, who turned out to be my dad's friend who helped care for me when I was 2 to 7 years-old. FML
Today, my wife and I have been fighting for two days straight. We haven’t talked all day. It all started with me asking where to park. FML
Today, I'm old enough to be looking at houses to buy, but not old enough to get past the idea that they might be affordable because they're haunted. FML
Aujourd'hui, je travaille avec un collègue sur un important projet qui finit bientôt. Il n'a pas commencé à travailler dessus, car je ne lui ai pas donné tous les éléments. Il a 99% des éléments, il a eu une augmentation pour "son excellent travail" et moi non car "je mets en retard tout le projet." VDM
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