En couple
Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend showed up at my new job to, "Keep an eye on me." The same ex-girlfriend who has been stalking me since we broke up. Two years ago. FML
Today, after going through a major weight loss and change of lifestyle to better my confidence and health, I now have saggy thighs, arms and boobs, a deflated ass, two inches of hanging stomach, and have realized just how unsymmetrical my face is. Oh, and my physical health has never been worse. FML
Today, I took a legitimate IQ test and got a score of 80. My parents both have IQ scores above Einstein’s. FML
Today, my now ex-boyfriend called the cops on me and told them I wasn’t letting him in the house. His keys were in the door, he was just too drunk to unlock it. FML
Today, my daughter wanted to show me the tooth she had just lost. As I was in a rush to leave for work, I quickly picked up and swallowed my pill that was on the kitchen table. It was only until I looked back down at the table did I see not only my pill, but one extremely angry daughter glaring at me. FML
Today, in a fit of jealousy, my 10 year-old unplugged my freezer and lifted the lid before bed. It’s over 80°F in my garage. Now, my entire supply of breast milk is destroyed. Not only do I not have enough stored to feed my own baby, I was also donating to local hospitals. FML
Today, my best friend told me he loved me, so I reminded him that I'm a lesbian. "That's just a phase, just wait till you suck my dick," was his reply. He was serious. FML
Today, as revenge for a prank I played on him last week, my brother took things way too far and loaded my milkshake with so many chocolate laxatives, I’m now in hospital. I’ve had so much diarrhoea in the past few hours, I’m dangerously dehydrated and had to be put on a saline drip. FML
Today, I came home after a long day at work to find the furniture in my living room had been rearranged by my mother-in-law. When asked how she got in, she told us she stole my husband's key and made herself a copy. She can now come here whenever she wants, unless I change the locks. FML
Today, as always, I have Tourette's syndrome. It causes me to occasionally make a beeping noise. My boyfriend just figured out that if he beeps back, it makes me beep again. He thinks it's hilarious and won't stop. FML
Today, my father once again sat me and my boyfriend of a year down to have another "talk." These "talks" are always something negative against our relationship, and how it’s not up to his standards. We’ve explained numerous times why he’s wrong. My father is about to make me single. FML
Today, my friends kidnapped me as a surprise birthday prank, and threw me into my own car's trunk. As they drove the car to PF Chang's, I'm freaking out, blindfolded and hogtied. My car was low on gas, and they ran out on the highway. They left me in the car on I-275 for 9 hours. FML
Today, after finally asking my crush for his number, and telling him the reason being he's the only friend whose number I don't have, he laughed, then asked, "Why would I ever be your friend?" FML
Today, my 12-year-old son came home after a week with his father. He was still wearing the same socks and underwear I sent him out with. FML
Today, my boyfriend saw me without make-up for the first time we've been dating for two years. He freaked because he didn't know who I was. FML
Today, I found out how much damage my neighbor's 5-year-old kid can do to my brand-new BMW with a baseball bat. FML
Today, I arrived at my parents house for dinner. When I got there, I noticed that they had gay pride flags hanging from the porch, and gay rights bumper stickers plastered to their cars. There was also a huge "We accept you, Nick" banner hanging from the garage. I'M NOT GAY! FML
Today, my best friend slapped me and called me a some colorful words before telling me that she never wanted to talk to me again because I supposedly slept with her boyfriend. Not only am I a virgin, but I'm a lesbian. FML
Today, it's my birthday, and I was going over to my friend's house for dinner. When I walked in, everyone yelled, "Surprise!" and then turned on the lights. When my friend looked over at me, she said, "Wrong person guys, turn off the lights." FML
Today, I was talking to my guy friend about prom. I told him I was turned down by 7 guys. So he said, "Well, you could always ask me." I then said, "Do you want to go to prom with me?" His response was, "Nope… now that's 8!" FML
Today, I was going through my old MSN conversations. I then realized that when I first got MSN, I didn't know that messages you sent after people went offline would be delivered to them when they signed in. I used to type 'I love you' to my crush after every time he went offline. FML
Today, completely nude, I had to collect my clothes around the boy’s apartment I have been sleeping with for awhile. While his girlfriend watched to make sure I “got the fuck out.” FML
Today, I went out to eat with some friends. They picked a table that wasn't big enough for all of us. I had to sit in the booth behind them. Alone. FML
Today, I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The first I'd been trying to go out with all semester. The second I had gone to dinner with and he seemed nice. I was the designated driver. They drank too much and, on the way home, hooked up in the back seat. FML
Today, I read a PostSecret that said, "I'm afraid my thighs will start to touch soon." My thighs have always touched. I didn't even know thighs weren't supposed to touch. FML
Today, it's my birthday. After a day out partying, I came home to find all my stuff smashed in the yard, even my 42" plasma TV. After asking my girlfriend what her problem was, she said a "slut" left a message on the machine stating how fun last night was. It turned out to be my mom. FML
Today, I stayed up all night to study for my anatomy final at 9 a.m. I studied outside the testing room in the hall all night. Apparently, I fell asleep with my headphones on, as my friend woke me up after walking out of the test, asking how I did. 300 classmates walked by and no one woke me up. FML
Today, I was texting this guy that I really liked. Things were going pretty well. I got a call from his number and excitedly answered it. It was his girlfriend asking if he was bothering me because he likes to text random people when he's drunk. FML
Today, I was in my new boyfriend's apartment for the first time. As I was flipping through his photo albums, I came across one full of disturbingly candid pictures of me. I found some as early as my trip to the state fair, three years ago. I met my boyfriend two months ago. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he was going out tonight to celebrate his ex-but-still-friends-girlfriend's birthday at a local club and hopes I wasn't offended that I wasn't invited. I sure am offended; we have the same birthday. FML
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