slithermein

Today, my wife, in her magnificent wedding dress, had her period during the ceremony. How did I find out? The same way everyone else did. FML

Today, I was supposed to light candles at my aunt's wedding. I accidentally lit the groom on fire. FML

Today, marks the fourth day in a row that I've worn the same outfit to prove to my parents that they pay me no attention. They still haven't noticed. FML

Today, I called one of my old coworkers to see how she was doing. My boyfriend answered the phone. FML

Today, my boyfriend's mum publicly shamed him on Facebook after she caught him having sex under her roof today. Everyone thought it was hilarious, except me. Not because I'm ashamed, but because I'm over 300 miles away right now. FML

Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML

Today, the play I was directing opened. The curtain opened, and my lead actor and actress weren't prepared. I could tell from the looks on their faces as the whole audience saw him balls deep in her, doggy style, on stage. FML

Today, my dad asked my brother not to use his shaver so late at night. That wasn't him, and it wasn't his shaver either. FML