blackstavo_100

Today, I went on the first date of my life. I also burped during my first kiss. FML

Don't be my Valentine

Today, I received my Valentine's gift from my fiancée in the mail. We broke up yesterday. FML

Today, I wore my boyfriend's favorite shirt to surprise him and show him how sexy I look. He made me take it off and pay the bill for dry cleaner. FML

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my family. I asked her if she wanted something to drink, and my brother reacted by snorting and calling me a "cuck". Apparently offering your girlfriend a drink means you're being cuckolded now. God, I hope he was adopted. FML

Today, after trying for months for a baby, I finally got a positive test. For chlamydia. FML

Today, after assuring my best friend that his girlfriend would never cheat on him, I came home to my brother having loud sex with my best friend's girlfriend. FML

Reported!

Today, someone called the police on me because one of my students was going home with me every day. The student is my son. FML

Today, I was in a car accident on the way to work. I called my boss and told him I had to deal with the police and the accident report and didn't know how long it would take. He got mad and said I "should have picked a better time to do this". FML

Bad timing

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my boyfriend that I wanted to go separate ways. Before I could say anything, he proposed. FML

Family guy

Today, I went to my stepdad's funeral. He was the most important person in my life, but it didn't stop my stepsister angrily saying, "Why are you crying? He wasn't even your real dad." FML

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time to meet my parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "Son, I want you to suck upon my nipples of knowledge." FML

Denial

Today, I said "I love you" to my girlfriend for the first time. She responded with, "I'm just gonna pretend I never heard that." FML

Today, I let my estranged husband move back in with my son and me. Later, his pregnant and underage girlfriend knocked on my door, crying about how her mom kicked her out. I'm such a pushover, they're in my bed and I'm on the couch. FML

Today, my best friend said we couldn't be friends anymore because I'm too depressed or too happy all the time. After explaining for half an hour what bipolar depression was and how I have it he just said, "Bullshit!" FML

Today, I woke up to large spot of blood in my underwear. This wouldn't be too big a deal if I didn't have a penis. FML