Today, I figured I'd throw my ex-boyfriend a compliment and told him how "gifted" he was below the belt. He thinks he's paying me a compliment when he tells me how much he loves that little roll of skin that pops up over the top of my pants when I sit down. I'm trying to lose weight, asshole. FML
Today, I went to the dentist to get a filling. Instead of giving me Novocaine, my dentist decided he was going to use a special new paste on me while he drilled. It didn't work. FML
Today, I was complimented on how big my penis was. I was complimented by the guy peeing next to me in the men's restroom at McDonald's. FML
Today, I got all dressed up to go on a date with a guy. Upon getting to my house to pick me up, he told me he'd forgot to put on mascara, and asked if he could borrow some. FML
Today, I introduced my new boyfriend to my parents. Everyone knows he's into the emo scene, but this didn't stop my dad from slowly looking him up and down, then saying, completely deadpan, "You never told us you were a lesbian, honey." FML
Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to eat a GoGurt. FML
Today, I finished a very important but annoying presentation that took four hours to complete. Only after writing a paragraph to explain the presentation and sending it to my boss did I realize that I saved the document as "Shit I have to do to get a promotion." FML
Today, I sent the texts "I love and miss you babe ;)" and "Shit wrong person" to my ex just so he would think I have a life. FML
Today, I got home late to find my dad outside mowing the lawn in the dark. I told him the neighbors were going to think he lost his marbles for mowing it at that time. He then informed me he wasn't mowing it, he was vacuuming it. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML
Today, my dad and I got into a fight over who gets the last corner piece of the brownies. I ended up with a black eye and and a sprained wrist. He ended up with the brownie and ran away laughing. FML
Today, I was involved in a car accident and hit my head on the dash. I now have huge, very sore knot on my head. My boyfriend now takes every opportunity to poke it and scream "Look! A baby unicorn!" FML
Today, I found out my wife has been bribing my daughter to keep quiet about her affair with my boss. That would explain the iPhone 4S, the $500 shoes, the $200 purse, and the professional $300 haircut. They told me it was because she had straight A's. FML
Today, my 11 year-old sister unfriended me on Facebook because I'm not "cool enough" to be seen on her profile. FML
Today, my boyfriend dropped by my work to break up with me. I had to go the rest of my shift with a smile, fighting back tears. I work as the Cinderella at Disney Land. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting a historical war bunker when I accidentally let rip a small fart. My boyfriend responded with a horribly loud, horrendous fart, and loudly announced, "This is war." There were people, lots of people. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because we watched a movie that Taylor Lautner was in, she claims they made special eye contact and they are destined to be together. FML
Today, my boyfriend came home, chugged a beer, and passed out in our bed without saying hello or goodnight to me. I've been on vacation for a week and was hoping to cuddle. But no, if I try to touch him, he hits me and growls. FML
Today, a guy lost control of his umbrella in the wind, which then hit me in the eye, making me bleed. He screamed at me for trying to steal his umbrella. People laughed. FML
Today, my husband asked me if I was really pregnant or if I was just smuggling cheeseburgers. I'm now referred to as "the hamburgler." I'm only 5 months pregnant. FML
Today, after recently moving to America as I've always dreamt of, I saw my first, majestic deer. My boyfriend slammed it with the rental car. FML
Today, I sat on Santa's lap. He got an erection. FML
Today, after three days of getting stared at by my neighbour from the window, I realized that she wasn't alive anymore. FML
Today, I learned that my hairdo must look like a rat. I found out when a hawk swooped down and dug its claws into my head while I was sunbathing. FML
Today, a private number called me telling me to "Beware the water bottles" as soon as a water bottle flew through my open window, hitting me. FML
Today, in geometry class, we were working in dead silence. Apparently my phone wasn't on vibrate, and I received 25 texts all at once, while it blasted "Hakuna Matataaaa" out of my back pocket. They weren't even texts from friends, just Facebook notifications. FML
Today, my friend and his girlfriend got in a fight while drunk and he started walking home. While driving around looking for him, I accidentally hit him with my car. FML
Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children. After seeing all the others, my daughter's turn arrived. She sat on my lap, put her lips to my ear, and whispered softly: "I want a new dad." FML
Today, my husband and I got into an argument. I tried to assault him with a laptop. He yelled, "Don't hit me with the computer." My apartment neighbor yelled through the wall, "Do what you gotta do, girl." FML
Today, I discovered that the word 'randy' means 'horny' in England. I'm going to England next semester to study abroad. My name is Randy. FML
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