Today, I discovered my new phone's voice command doesn't really understand my accent while I'm driving. It kept thinking I was saying, "Call my mum" instead of, "Open Maps". It called my mum 14 times. FML
Today, after weeks of doubt and pondering the pros and cons, I finally broke up with my girlfriend, and she burst into tears. Feeling guilty, I tried to console her by saying, "Don't worry, we can still be cousins." FML
Today, the head chef at work yelled at me for not knowing the difference between two sauces. I couldn't win the argument, even after a coworker admitted to filling both bottles with the same sauce. FML
Today, my dad is terminally ill from bone cancer. It’s been 2 months and not even one of my so-called friends have asked me how I’m doing or how my parents are doing. They do however contact me when they need something. I have always been there for them - guess I was a fool. FML
Today, I got arrested for shoplifting. I don't know what's worse, that I stole a one dollar bottle of chocolate milk, or that I didn't have the dollar to pay for it. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. It turned out that the person who I was set up with was my ex's sibling. We spent the whole evening talking about how terrible my ex is. I'm still single, though. FML
Today, I was playing a virtual reality game at a gaming convention. I got so into it that I didn't realize I was screaming and flailing around in. A crowd had gathered to watch my dumbass embarrass myself. FML
Today, I realized that the only positive accomplishment my boyfriend has made in the last 3 years is that he started wearing deodorant. FML
Today, I took Viagra so we could have sex at bedtime. We fell asleep afterwards, but I must've had a reaction to the Viagra as it was still erect this morning and must have been erect all night, way longer than 4 hours. I went straight to hospital as my penis was numb and pale blue. Help me. FML
Today, my boyfriend is sulking because he actually thought two weeks paternity leave was going to be our new baby sleeping 18 hours a day while he played his Xbox, and get paid not to go to work every day. He was wrong, it’s been three days, and he’s exhausted already and whining. FML
Today, as always, I wore a pin at work with the rainbow infinity symbol to indicate that I'm autistic. A creepy male customer came in and, thinking it was a gay pride pin, started hitting on me and making inappropriate comments. He just wouldn't stop, no matter how much I tried to explain. The police were called. FML
Today, I had to get my picture taken for a badge at the hospital. My sister came home and told my parents that she'd had a horrible day at work. They showed her my "hysterical" badge picture to cheer her up. FML
Today, my husband volunteered to babysit our friends' kids while they go on their honeymoon. The problem is I hate kids, especially the younger ones who are noisy and require a lot of attention, and yet I know as the woman I’ll be expected to do most of the work looking after them. FML
Today, I used the last dollar in my PayPal Tap to pay to get myself a little something for work lunch. The register glitched just before the transaction finished, but it still took the money. No cash, no lunch. FML
Today, my boss changed some company calendar settings on my computer to see what they'd be like. He didn't like it, so he told me to change it back, then left. I have no idea what he changed. FML
Today, out of spite, my ex bought our autistic son a puppy. He's always wanted a dog and I can’t imagine how violent he will get if I tell him we can’t keep it. Since the divorce, I can barely feed us, so a dog is an expensive luxury we simply can’t afford, and my ex knows that. Pure spite. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he wants to date other people, but still wants to be with me. He said, “Yes I want to be with you, but maybe we can both find better.” I found out he’s been texting another woman. FML
Today, my wife and I have a perfect life together, nice house, nice cars, fun hobbies, fun holidays, love each other, lots of sex and so on. After 12 years of marital bliss, she wants to ruin all that by having a baby, and has even threatened divorce. FML
Today, I was informed by my parents that their relationship with God is more important than their relationship with me. FML
Aujourd'hui, j'essaie de payer un parcmètre via une application mobile. Je me suis pris un PV exactement 2 minutes avant de valider le paiement du parcmètre. VDM
Aujourd'hui, je suis allée chercher la carte de transport de mon fils pour qu'il puisse bénéficier gratuitement du réseau déplorable de transport de la métropole. Ça fait deux ans que j'attends cette carte, que j'ai pu récupérer après un loooong trajet. J'ai perdu la carte sur le chemin du retour. VDM
Aujourd'hui, et comme tout l'été, mon chéri se promène en marcel de beauf car il pense que c'est la mode. Pour les mecs baraqués oui, mais pas pour les vieux bedonnants. VDM
Aujourd'hui, j'ai appris qu'une cousinade avait eu lieu. Tout le monde, y compris les conjoints et enfants, étaient présents. Tous, sauf moi, qui n'a pas été invitée par "manque de place." VDM
Aujourd'hui, nous sommes à la fin d’un parcours PMA long et fastidieux, enceinte d’un mois, nous l’annonçons à nos parents, tout en leur demandons d’attendre pour le dire à tout le monde. Depuis, ma belle-mère a dit à toute la famille qu’elle allait être mamie. VDM
Aujourd'hui, mon frère est jaloux de moi car selon lui je vis avec la femme parfaite. Ma copine ne m'a jamais demandé d'aller faire du shopping avec elle, et ne passe que très peu de temps à se préparer dans la salle de bain. Bref, pour lui c'est la perle rare. VDM
Aujourd'hui, j'ai acheté un billet de train, pour un trajet identique à celui que j'ai fait la semaine dernière. Même jour, même heure… tarif multiplié par deux. VDM
Aujourd'hui, lors d’une séance torride de jambes en l’air avec mon copain, je me suis luxé le pouce en voulant changer de position. VDM
Aujourd'hui, j’ai proposé à un ami que je n'ai pas vu depuis six mois d’aller boire un coup avec une amie. Il m’a répondu qu'il était trop occupé. En fait, il prenait un verre avec le mari de ma copine, à cinq minutes de là. VDM
Aujourd'hui, j'ai demandé à mon mari s'il était heureux. Il m'a répondu : "Ben, y a pire." VDM
Aujourd'hui, je me suis fait profondément entailler l'orteil par la chute d'une bombe de mousse à raser. VDM
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