Aujourd'hui, jour de grande chaleur, ma prof d'espagnol avait envie de se gratter le milieu du dos. Elle a trouvé que la règle que j'avais posée sur mon bureau lui serait très utile, alors elle l'a prise, s'est gratté le dos, l'a reposée sur mon bureau comme si de rien n'était… avec une grosse trace de transpiration dessus, VDM
Aujourd'hui, je marche dans la rue en téléphonant. En croisant des flics un peu plus loin, j'ai balancé mon portable par terre, par réflexe. VDM
Aujourd'hui, le code à 4 chiffres pour tous les abonnements de mon mec est la date de rencontre avec son ex femme, parce qu'il est "sûr de pas l'oublier, par habitude" et qu'il ne veut pas en changer. Pour moi qui dois l'utiliser quotidiennement, au point d'oublier notre propre date de rencontre, VDM
Aujourd'hui, quand je suis rentré à la maison après un accident de voiture et que j'en ai parlé à mon père, sa première question a été : "Comment va la voiture ?" VDM
Aujourd’hui, je vais chercher ma fille à l'accueil périscolaire. La porte est fermée, personne ne répond, ni au téléphone, ni à mes cris pour les appeler. Une dame finit par sortir et me dit qu’il fallait juste pousser la porte plus fort. VDM
Aujourd'hui, professeur de géographie, je demande à mes élèves de situer la Grèce. Tous répondent en chœur : "Elle est dans le ventre de Tom." Sur le coup j'ai ri. VDM
Today, I noticed my new boyfriend barely touches me casually, unless I initiate, and even then he’ll pull away fairly quickly. Apparently his dad told him about "fake rape accusations", even from women you’re dating, so he’s scared to touch me now. FML
Today, I was slapped across the face by a girl in the waiting room at the dentist's office. She thought I was taking a picture of her breasts with my phone. I was smiling while reading other people's FMLs. FML
Today, after growing tired of my friends group leaving me behind every time and having secrets between them, I started to ignore them and stopped following them, without saying anything. They haven't spoken to me since, and it's been 7 months. I'm alone. FML
Today, I found out why my husband has been coming home from work so late. Turns out he loves to help people. Specifically female people. And by help, I mean sleep with. FML
Today, on a whim, I bought my wife some flowers on my way home. She put them in a vase then asked me what stupid thing I did that I’m pre-apologising for. She refuses to believe I bought her flowers for any other reason. Man, I must be a really shitty husband. FML
Today, I hooked up with a girl who had a total Nicki Minaj butt. She wanted me to do her doggy style, and the spirit was willing but the flesh wasn’t long enough to reach more than an inch inside, no matter how much we readjusted. We ended up switching to missionary, but neither of us were happy. FML
Today, on the bus ride home from work, two women behind me kept pulling my hair. I turned around and told them to, "cut it out." When I got home, I realized they'd took it literally. FML
Today, I was running by a school and saw that a deer had caught his antlers in the fence. I felt bad for it so I tried to help it free. Finally, he became unstuck. Then he rammed his antlers into my hip. Now I can't run in the marathon I have been training for a year to race in. FML
Today some young teenager nervously approached me, saying he’d done a drawing of me, and that I could have it if I wanted, then he ran off blushing. I thought it was cute until I saw the picture. It was me and him in extraordinary detail, having anal sex, with a dildo up my vagina. FML
Today, the girl I like would rather meet potential partners online, some in different states, and wonders why nothing works out. Apparently the guy who took her on dates, AKA me, is just friend material. FML
Today, and since we've had our baby, my mother-in-law started coming round more often, then bringing her stuff to stay overnight, then started claiming she lived here, and got hysterical when we told her she doesn’t. I had to pick her up and place her outside while she punched me in the head repeatedly. FML
Today, my manager forced me to call the guy she fired a few weeks ago, and grovel shamelessly to him to come back to work, and that I'd better convince him to return, or else. The problem is, not only does he hate my manager's guts, he's now working a godsend job in Japan, which pays 4 times as much, and gave him a car and a house. FML
Today, I found out my roommate gambled his portion of the rent money on Israel Adesanya. FML
Today my auntie who helps run a HOA sent me out on a quick errand to deliver some fines. Now I know why she didn’t want to go herself. Several fines were for one guy, one very large angry guy, who let his dog trap me in the garden while he yelled at me for 5 whole minutes until I cried. FML
Today, a telemarketer called for my dad. Jokingly, I said, "I haven't seen him for like five days… I'm starting to get worried," in my best child-like voice. Apparently the telemarketer called Child Protective Services. I'm 20. FML
Today, after trying to report my coworkers for bullying me for being fat, HR seriously had the gall to say to not let it get to me and if I’m so bothered by it, then I should do something about it and improve my lifestyle. Apparently, “You can’t control people, but you can control your circumstances.” FML
Today, I told my dad I want to enlist in the army and he tried to lock me in my room. He did almost the same thing when I told him I wanted to do certain college courses to make it easier to become a police officer, only there was a lot more swearing and throwing of objects. FML
Today, my boyfriend met my parents, siblings, and some other family members. Thirty minutes later, he broke up with me and stormed out, yelling no way was he staying with me because they’re all fucking psychotic. He's my second boyfriend driven away by my family. FML
Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML
Today, I had a wet fart with liquid in my underwear that I could smell. I let the one guy in front of me take the elevator so he wouldn't smell me. When the next empty elevator showed up, seven people started lining up behind me. FML
Today, I was arguing with my husband how he has never told our son that he’s proud of him. Without missing a beat, he told me that when our son gets around to doing something he can be proud of, then he’ll tell him he’s proud of him. Our son is a university graduate and trainee doctor. FML
Today, I discovered my wife and I have referred to our two-year-old as 'Cutie' or 'Beautiful' so many times she won't respond to her own name. FML
Today, I fed my husband a vegan beef burger so I could show him that it tastes exactly the same when he didn’t notice. He noticed on the first bite and spat it across the kitchen because he thought the meat had expired before I cooked it, and tasted disgusting. FML
Today, my English teacher handed back my creative story assignment with a 74% on it. Apparently, she docked 10% because I had an unrealistic, overly dramatic plot line. That plot line was based on my life. FML
Vous voulez la partager avec les autres utilisateurs de VDM ?
Votre VDM a bien été soumise, elle devrait apparaître en modération bientôt !
Vous pouvez publier votre VDM sur Reddit, elle sera automatiquement publiée sur la communauté.
Poster ma VDM sur Reddit
