farmboy555

Today, I found out all about my son's secret online double life. He's been moonlighting for two years as a male prostitute by the name of Peter Parker. FML

Today, my wife posted on Facebook, "FUCK THA POLICE!" She got 40 likes. I'm a police officer. FML

Today, I pulled over a speeding driver. I admit that I'd been hoping for this moment since I joined the police force; the moment a lady put her cleavage on display to get out of a ticket. Sadly, this lady was a senior citizen, and her breasts looked like two semi-deflated balloons. FML

Sweet talker

Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once, instead of just rushing into sex. His idea of foreplay was to sweetly whisper that he was going to "penis" me so hard. That's the first time I've heard the word "penis" used as a verb, and hopefully the last. FML