lp102400

Today, my mother and I went to Wal-Mart to buy pads. I suggested I get tampons instead, so that I can go swimming at my boyfriend's cottage. My mother then goes to the nearest store employee and asks, "excuse me, if my daughter uses a tampon, does that mean she is no longer a virgin?" FML

Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

Today, my girlfriend dropped me off for a class and I accidentally closed my exceptionally baggy pants in the passenger door. She didn't notice and started to drive away. I spent the next fifteen seconds being dragged across rough pavement with my pants around my ankles. FML

Please…

Today, I was afraid my mother had seen the bottle of hand lotion I'd forgotten to take off the desk after I'd whacked off last night, but she acted fine. I went out with friends to find she'd had changed the background to say "Please Do Not Watch Porn on the Family Computer." FML

Today, I bought a coral colored hooded sweatshirt, which my girlfriend told me was "hot". I wore it to a baseball game tonight. When it got cold I put the hood over my head, only to hear everyone behind me laugh. The back of the hood said "Boy crazy". It was a teen girls sweatshirt. FML

Today, I went swinging with my friend at the park. Seeing a few cute guys playing basketball, I tried to act cute, laughing loudly and letting my hair fly all over the place. Just as they look over the swing broke. I fell on my face, my jeans sliding down, mooning them. They laughed hysterically. FML

Sing!

Today, after the church service was over, my two year-old granddaughter started to sing into the microphone. She said, "Here Nana, you sing". I picked up the microphone and sang "Jesus Loves Me". She took the microphone back and said, "No he doesn't." FML

Today, I got very dressed up and was excited for my uncle's wedding. While standing in line for photos, I heard my dad's voice from behind me say "Who's the hot chick in the brown dress?" My uncle responds "Uh, that's your daughter." Silence. FML

Flustered

Today, I went to the grocery store. My checker was very hot. When it came time for me to pay, I swiped my debit card and the machine kept rejecting it. Sure that I had money in my account, I did it again, before the cute checker informed me that I was swiping my driver's license, not my debit card. FML

Today, I was sitting in my bed drinking Yoohoo from a juice box. I decided it would be fun to see how much I could fit in my mouth. As soon as my mouth was full, I sneezed. FML

Today, I was eating pizza with my boyfriend and my friends. I was laughing and talking and went for another piece when my boyfriend grabbed my wrist and said that I had had enough. My friends all backed him up. FML

Today, I realized that it wasn't my science partner that smelled bad, it was me. How? The guy I have a crush on handed me a stick of deodorant and said, "Please use it." FML

Today, it was my dad's birthday. As a joke, I got him one of those big erasers that say, "FOR BIG MISTAKES." He opened it, tried to erase me with it, then said, "It doesn't work." and left. FML

Today, while working at Kohl's this woman came up to me and asked if I was Native American, I said yes, she then says "Oh! I thought you guys went extinct." This is the country I live in. FML

Today, I walked outside my house to find my father in nothing but his underwear, spraying ants with ant-killer, laughing like a maniac and screaming, "Die bitches! Die!" FML

Unsolicited dick texts

Today, my mum bought a phone. Since teaching her how to text, I have received 27 messages, repeatedly saying the word "penis". FML

Today, over a family dinner, my husband and I told everyone that I'm pregnant. My father frowned and said, "Again?", my 9-year-old daughter started crying, and her brother smirked and yelled, "Up the ass, no babies!" FML

Today, I have to defend my client in court. The defense that my client wants me to use is, "It's not a robbery if you have swag" and then goes on saying, "The judge is bound to let me go after he sees my swag." FML

Today, I was on drive-thru where I work. Our policy is that we can give free treats to dogs that come through. A woman came in and I noticed her dog. Without a thought, I grabbed a treat and asked if her dog wanted one. I looked again. The 'dog' was her daughter. FML

It's getting hott in here

Today, I went on a date. As I hugged him, I felt tingles. As a big believer in clichés, I thought it was the tingles of falling in love. Turns out, it was my allergic reaction to his cologne. I now look like I burned my face. FML

Today, I took my driving test. It was all going well until out of habit from driving with my boyfriend, I reached over and held my instructor's hand. FML

Today, I saw a pair of eyes looking at me from my closet. Realizing it must be my cat, I called her. She immediately came out from under my bed. I can't find anything in my closet. FML

Today, some pig slapped my ass as he passed me in the street, then looked back at me with a dirty grin. His grin turned to horror when he realized that I'm actually a guy, then to anger as he bitched me out for "tricking" him by "looking like a chick". FML

Judgemental

Today, on the bus, a little boy gave me the dirtiest look, pointed at my pregnant stomach, and menacingly said, "I know what you did." FML

Supportive and empathetic

Today, I found out my girlfriend has been cheating on me. When I told my sister, she just smiled, held up a closed fist, and said "Look at the number of fucks I give!" She then raised a finger, said "Oops. Finger spasm!" then lowered it again. FML

Today, while I was at the dentist, I couldn't stop gagging when he tried to put a tab in my mouth to get an x-ray. As I left, I overheard him saying, "I feel sorry for her boyfriend." FML