MegaExplosives

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Today, my kitten decided that having diarrhea was not a good enough reason to stop running in circles around my living room. FML

Today, I found Jesus. The bad news, he was in the form of a concrete statue falling on my car. FML

Today, the Jehovah's Witnesses witnessed me whacking off on my couch. FML

Today, trying to be a good role model for the kids behind me, I stopped and thoroughly checked both sides of the road before crossing. I still managed to get hit by a car. FML

Today, I woke up really early to get ready for an interview. I guess it was too early because my mom thought someone broke into our house and now I have two bruised ribs. FML

Today, after moving to a new neighbourhood, I went to meet my new neighbour. When she opened the door, all she said was, "Oh not you again!", and shut the door in my face. I have no memory of her. FML

Hi there!

Today, I moved into my new apartment. As I sat in my living room watching Netflix, I found out that my window has an excellent view of my new neighbors, who just so happen to like to shag with the blinds open. I guess I'll be buying some curtains. FML

Today, feeling in need of a self-esteem boost, I took what I thought was a good selfie and I put it on Facebook. Out of 500 friends, the only response I got was a picture of Saddam Hussein with the caption, "This is why I bomb people." FML

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, some homeless person came up to the window and started doing a voice-over. FML

Today, because I thought I was about to have an asthma attack, I had a panic attack. Then, the panic attack caused me to have a real asthma attack. FML

Great!

Today, I took my class to swimming lessons at the local public pool. One student came out and proudly told me that she'd pooed in the shower, but it was OK because she'd then picked it up and flushed it down the toilet. FML

Today, what started with me forcing a shit a little too hard ended up with me being rushed to the hospital with appendicitis. FML

Today, I got banned from my favourite online video game for calling a person on my team a "Baked Potato". FML

Today, a friendly game of Cards Against Humanity somehow ended in a screaming match, my best friend's mother pulling out her tits, and me getting bit in the foot by a dog. FML

Today, I pulled a piece of dental floss out of my ass. How it got there is one of life's great mysteries. FML

Today, I checked my son's browser history, as he's been acting strangely around his computer recently. I found several bizarre Google searches, including but not limited to: "unicorn dick-farts", "sharting kittens", and "can you get AIDS from Asians?" What the fuck is wrong with him? FML

Today, I caught my son trying to punch his own teeth out so he'd get more money from the tooth fairy. FML

Busted

Today, my hateful mother-in-law showed up unexpectedly. I faked taking a phone call so the bitter old hag would leave me alone. She then pulled out her phone, called my number, and glared at me as my phone rang against my ear. FML

Today, the phone kept ringing so I picked it up and answered. When there was no response, it took a minute to realize that I was still in bed and talking to my hand. FML

Today, a man tried to mug me. I actually apologized to him for not having my wallet on me. FML

Today, my grown up, unemployed boyfriend stole 70 dollars from my wallet and tried to hide it in two different places in case he needed to ditch me and go out by himself. He got angry when I confronted him and stormed out. He feels perfectly entitled. I work, pay rent and buy food. FML

Today, during a blowjob, my girlfriend decided to try something new by squeezing my balls as hard as she could as I came, for a "more intense orgasm". All she gave me was a ruptured testicle. FML

Release those endorphins!

Today, while out jogging, I was suddenly hit with unbelievable gastric distress. I wasn't wearing brown pants when I set out on that jog, but I sure was when I made it back home. FML

He studied the blade

Today, it was my dad's retirement. He is traditional Japanese, so I had custom-ordered a samurai sword from a traditional Japanese blacksmith with dad's name engraved on the blade in kanji script. He loved it, right up til my drunk cousin tried to use it to cut down a tree and snapped it in two. FML

Today, my 6-year-old daughter touched a tray I'd just pulled out of the oven. I quickly swatted her hand away, but then noticed she wasn't hurt or burned at all. I then gingerly touched the tray and got scalded. My daughter giggled maniacally as I screamed. To be honest, I'm now terrified of her. FML

Today, I was having lunch and I started throwing crumbs at my friend at the other table. Then I accidentally hit the kid next to him. He got really mad and came over and hit me in the shoulder with a brick. A brick. He just had a brick in his bag. FML

Today, my boyfriend was shaving his beard in the bathroom when I left. An hour later, I found him exasperated after having shaved half his body. I had to help him shave every nook and cranny left because he said he was in too deep and couldn't turn back. Yes, his bumhole too. FML

Today, I went to a group gym lesson. While working on our abs, the coach came through, touching our stomachs to check we were doing the exercises correctly. When he got to me, he asked, "How many kids have you got then?" I'm 22, and I've got none. FML

Today, my 19 year-old brother called me a moron and told me to go read a book, after I corrected him when he said girls don't have colons. FML