Today, my parents, not trusting me and my boyfriend, told us to call them in the middle of our movie so they could hear it, and prove we weren't up to no good. Well, I called. Just as a raging sex scene started. FML
Today, my classmate said I looked better without makeup. Well, her exact words were, "You look like less of a whore without makeup." FML
Today, the kid I was tutoring told me that, "Pirates were a myth. Like the Greeks and Romans." He's 16. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I'm extremely uncomfortable with eye contact, but he kept staring into my eyes the entire time. I had to sing the F.U.N. song from Spongebob in my head to stop myself having an anxiety attack. FML
Today, my girlfriend confessed to cheating on me. Unfortunately, she's a pathological liar and I can't be sure if it's really true, along with half the stuff she tells me on a daily basis. Love is hard. FML
Today, a police car hit my parked vehicle, likely due to icy road conditions. When the officer came over to talk to me, I assumed it was to give me his insurance information. Nope. It was to give me a ticket for "impeding a police officer." My car was in my driveway. FML
Today, I hit my head on the steering wheel when I sneezed. I managed to honk the horn and the guy next to me couldn't stop laughing. FML
Today, my boss used Siri to settle a debate we were having in our team meeting. Siri responded by calling him "Daddy". FML
Today, my mom told me she'd canceled my spring break trip to Europe for my 16th birthday. Why? So I could get my wisdom teeth pulled 2 months early. FML
Today, I handed out 20 resumes to a variety of stores. To my delight, I got a phone call the same day. Unfortunately, they weren't calling about a job, they were informing me on my resume it says, "I have a dick." All thanks to my boyfriend, who thought it would be hilarious. FML
Today, my husband was involved in a horrible series of accidents; he repeatedly slipped and fell into my best friend's vagina. FML
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