mnicole92

Today, I told my mom I want to try out for American Idol. She responded with, "You don't take disappointment well." FML

Today, I was trying on a shirt and asked my boyfriend if he liked it. He replied, "If I say no, can we still have sex tonight?" FML

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML

I can't help it

Today, my girlfriend wanted to roleplay as a schoolgirl. I was excited, until we started and she asked me to lick her "vajayjay". I cringed so hard, my skull practically caved in. I broke down laughing while trying to explain my cringing. Now she's pissed and I'm blue-balled. FML

Today, I was told by my boyfriend's parents to never come back to his house again, and was given a lecture about rule breaking. Apparently, curfew is midnight, and he isn't allowed to have girls over. This didn't sound so unreasonable until I remembered that we're both almost 30. FML

Today, while at the zoo with my boyfriend, he pointed at the howling gorillas and shouted over to me: "Hah! That's what you sound like in bed!" FML

The heat of the moment

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He was about to make me come so I lifted my arm above my head with pleasure. I accidently punched him in the eye, hard enough that he had to stop for a while because he said he felt dizzy. FML

Protip

Today, the only way I can get my boyfriend to do anything is by telling him it's a turn on. FML

Good boy

Today, my fiancé threatened to break up with me if our dog couldn't be the best man at our wedding. FML

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by taking his new car to the automatic car wash. As soon as the water started, I realized that I forgot to close the sunroof. FML

Nearly there

Today, I had to play the hot and cold game with my boyfriend until he found my clitoris. FML

Happy Birthday

Today, for my birthday, my boyfriend made me a coupon book. I thought it was sweet until I noticed they were all conditional. For example; "Give your boyfriend a blowjob and he'll give you a 10 minute back massage!". They're all like that and he's mad because I refuse to use them. FML

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend because my parents kicked me out. He said that if I ever touch his "fucking apple jacks" he will "chop" my nipples off and feed them to the dog. FML

Today, my boyfriend told his friends he was dating me. We've been together for a year and a half. His friends didn't even know I existed before. FML

Domestic

Today, I heard my sister screaming from the basement, "Don't you hit me, you asshole!" Knowing her boyfriend was over, I ran downstairs with my baseball bat, ready to smash the fucker hitting my sister. Turns out they were just playing Mario Kart and he rammed her off the edge of a bridge. FML