reapr03

Today, my dad met my boyfriend. It took less than 10 seconds for him to accuse my boyfriend of being a "queer" because his handshake was "too limp". FML

Today, tears and 3 hours on the toilet have made me reevaluate my desire for new culinary experiences. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary. All I got was him stopping by for a quickie before he went into work. FML

Today, I got a text from my neighbor complaining about my girlfriend and me being too noisy in bed. I'm at work. FML

Today, I was exhausted due to staying up all night practicing for the most important performance of my orchestral career. I decided to take a nap to energize myself in preparation of the evening and woke up just in time to realize I'd missed the entire concert. FML

Today, I uploaded a photo of myself at the beach on Facebook. The first comment it got was "Wow!! If I was 20 yrs younger, oh boy ;)". Yeah, thanks for that, grandpa. FML

Today, a guy hit on me. It's such a rare occurrence that I didn't know how to react, so I panicked and said "Sorry, I have to go!" Then I remembered we were on a bus, and just turned around and awkwardly pretended he wasn't there. FML

Today, the guy I made cookies for, spent hours getting ready for, and drove 3 hours in traffic to see never actually wanted me to come. When I knocked on his door, he opened it, but immediately closed it in my face. He then texted me saying, "I met someone else." FML

Today, I decided to be the "cool aunt" and take my nephew to a horror movie. I ended up being so scared, I burst into tears. Nothing says "cool" like having an 11-year-old walk a sobbing, grown woman from a theatre. FML

Cheeky sod

Today, the man who stole my laptop at the train station yesterday used the contact information I had written on it to call me and ask for the password. FML

Today, I arrived at the salon to get my hair done for prom. The lady at the front desk insisted I didn't have an appointment. After looking back on my recent calls, it turned out I called the wrong number and whatever asshole was on the other line played along. FML

Today, I had to use the bathroom really badly in a drug store. After I did a #2, just as I realized the handle on the toilet was broken, a knock came at the door. I tried fixing it for ten minutes, before slipping out the door, to come face to face with two employees coming to fix the toilet. FML

Today, I was invited to an adult toy party with co-workers. They started by playing a game called 'Never Ever Have I Ever' about everyone's sexual exploits. My mother is a co-worker. I can never un-hear what I heard. FML

Grasping at straws

Today, I finally confronted my mom about how I felt about her three divorces. She then explained that she went through the divorces because I failed to keep the house clean. FML

Today, I started working my new summer job at McDonald's. Only 2 hours into my first shift, my tooth falls out onto a young girl's tray of food. Not only did she see it, but my managers and other people waiting in line all saw it. I don't think I have a summer job anymore. FML

Today, I found out why my mother-in-law kept asking for one particular photo of our baby. She just wanted to show off the blanket that she had made to her friends on Facebook. Her first grandchild was almost completely cropped out of the picture. FML

Today, my grown up, unemployed boyfriend stole 70 dollars from my wallet and tried to hide it in two different places in case he needed to ditch me and go out by himself. He got angry when I confronted him and stormed out. He feels perfectly entitled. I work, pay rent and buy food. FML

Today, I was drying myself with a towel after a shower when I noticed a bad smell. After running out of toilet paper last night, one of my friends decided to use my clean towel to wipe herself instead. FML

Smells like victory

Today, I opened my front door to be greeted by what I can only describe as the stink of death. After moving furniture and lifting floorboards, frantically searching for whatever had died, I finally discovered the actual source of the stench - my girlfriend's feet. FML

Ironic

Today, after five years in a row of my family doing absolutely nothing to even acknowledge my birthday, I got train tickets to see my boyfriend for the weekend and celebrate with him. I woke up to six angry texts about how I'm "selfish" for not staying at home with my family. FML

Wiped out

Today, I had to explain to my little brother yet again that no, socks don't count as toilet paper. FML

Today, at the Eurostar customs, an officer asked me if I had packed my luggage myself. I teasingly answered "No, I was helped by a member of Al Qaeda." which earned me a body and luggage search and a missed train. FML

Today, while I was looking for a file on my boyfriend's hard drive, I came across photos of a half-naked woman wearing my clothes, but whose head wasn't really visible. When I demanded an explanation, I realised that it wasn't another girl - it was him. FML

Today, I realized I spend way too much time on the computer. I grabbed the menu at the restaurant, glanced at the page, and tried to do CTRL+F to find seafood. Geek coming through! FML

Today, my girlfriend offered a blow job, but my hair got stuck in her braces so instead we tried to pull them all out. And no, I didn't get any. FML

Today, while on a date with the guy of my dreams, I cut my tongue so bad it bled for an hour. I managed to cut it on the plastic spoon from my coffee. FML

We just don't see you in that way

Today, I was talking with some of my friends who are girls. They were all complaining about how there was no good boys left to ask to the Sadie Hawkins Dance. Hoping for an invite I mentioned I was still available. They just laughed at me and invited me to come dress shopping with them. FML

Bystander

Today, I was walking from my office to the place I had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner, I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. When I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML

Today, my boyfriend turned 21 and got drunk at a bar. Being sober, I went through the whole ordeal: calling a cab, carrying him up three flights of stairs, helping him by the toilet, and taking him to bed. Just when I'm about to sleep, he gets up, pushes his shorts down, and pees on me. Twice. FML

Today, I was driving on the freeway when I saw a car in front of me swerving across 3 lanes of traffic. Thinking he might be drunk, I dialed 911 on my phone, but I dropped it. I fished under my seat to get it, swerving, and got pulled over by highway patrol and given a field sobriety test. FML