reapr03

Today, my older brother walked in on me while I was wearing nothing but a bra, panties, pantyhose, and high heels. I'm his little brother. FML

Today, while working the drive-through, a woman ordered a large coffee with four creams. I handed her the coffee, and she took a sip. She then hurled it at me, screaming, "I said four creams, not five!" and sped off, leaving me drenched in hot coffee. FML

Today, my wife told me that getting in the mood to have sex with me is like trying to get in the mood to hit the treadmill. FML

Today, I realized my family is the textbook definition of redneck after listening to my grandpa threaten to smash with an excavator the trailer that my uncle lives in behind our house if he didn't return the set of tires he had stolen and pawned from my grandpa's garage. FML

Today, I finally handed my girlfriend a portrait of her. I'm not the best drawer, but I spent weeks on it and I thought it turned out pretty good. When she looked at it, she asked what kind of dog was it. FML

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by coming home early. He walked in on me sitting on the toilet, singing full volume to my cat as I took a crap. FML

Today, I found my first bra and tried it on. It still fits. FML

Today, while with a large group of friends, my best friend started talking about my struggles with dating and intimacy. I quietly asked her to stop talking about it, as it was personal and I wasn't comfortable with everyone else knowing. Her response? "Um, it's really none of your business." FML

Today, a drunk man started yelling at the lamppost outside my house, demanding to be let inside, all while my neighbors watched. That man is my dad. FML

Today, in the middle of the supermarket, my 7 year old son asked me what a cocksucker is and why his mum always calls me that. FML

Bad women's anatomy

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that me switching to "super" sized tampons does not mean I've been having sex with other men with bigger penises, and that my vagina hasn't been "stretched bigger". FML

Today, our new boss banned coffee from the workplace, comparing caffeine to hard drugs. His comparison may not be wrong; after two hours, I couldn't take it any more, and in between fantasising about his cold-blooded murder, I begged to be allowed just one last cup. FML

Today, I overheard my 14-year-old daughter telling her friend that she's saving money to get her hymen surgically removed so her first time won't hurt. FML

Today, I realised I've been depressed about my recent break up for longer than the relationship even lasted. FML

Today, I found out the "sex noises" I heard from next door last night, which I'd angrily yelled at my neighbor for, were actually from him having an uncontrollable seizure. FML

Today, marks the fourth day in a row that I've worn the same outfit to prove to my parents that they pay me no attention. They still haven't noticed. FML

Today, the cops showed up at our door at 11 pm. Apparently, our neighbours thought I was being abused because they heard high-pitched screaming for 45 minutes straight. Little did they know our 6-month-old baby screams when she's happy. Loudly. FML

Today, I told my husband I felt unfulfilled and unhappy in my life. He suggested I do more chores. FML

Today, my 6-year-old daughter barged into the bathroom while I was peeing, inspected the toilet and said, "You're well hydrated, good job." FML

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's scared because her period is late, and that they're usually on time. Five hours late apparently. FML

Today, I finally reached the point where it became necessary to give my boyfriend an ultimatum: either clip your toenails, or we aren't having sex. FML

Today, I tried to write a bad review for the fast-food place at which I work part-time. My username made me anonymous, but I forgot to change my profile picture. Now my manager and coworkers won't even speak to me. FML

Today, I got a text from a guy I hooked up with. I'm not really interested in him, so I rushed out of his house last night. He was letting me know I left my wallet at his house, and if I want it, I'll have to let him take me to dinner. FML

Today, I heard a loud beep for over an hour. It didn't come from my phone or even an alarm of some sort. It was my son pretending to be a smoke alarm. FML

Today, while out shopping with friends, I was apphrehended by two bounty hunters because they recognized my purple-dyed hair. Too bad my name isn't Natalie, who apparently shares the same hair color. They didn't believe me, even after I showed my ID. FML

Manosphere dumbass

Today, I had to say to my 23-year-old son that it's not a compliment to tell a woman that he wants to jam his cock down her throat. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I somehow got into the conversation of what the weirdest thing we have ever found in food was. She said she found paper in her fortune cookie; she was serious. FML

Douche

Today, I had sex with a guy I've liked for ages. We were lying in his bed afterwards, and he mumbled the word "happy". I thought it was really sweet, until he repeated himself. "My girlfriend probably won't be too happy about this." FML

Today, I planned a lunch out with my mom for Mother's Day. She seemed excited about it and "couldn't wait!" She never showed up. FML

Today, I made my mom cookies for Mother's Day. My brother took all the cookies to work as a snack, because I didn't specifically tell him that the homemade "MOM" hearts weren't meant for him. FML