reapr03

Today, my wife discovered Cosmopolitan magazine, and now only wants to have sex if I agree to try some of their sex tips. I fear for my genitals. FML

Today, my parents finally realized that I've been sneaking vodka when they weren't home. Note to self: don't let them freeze vodka that's actually 75% water. FML

Today, someone flirted with me. They kept touching me, insisting we should go out sometime, and hounding me for my number. At a family-only memorial service. FML

Today, I got promoted to a management position. After work, I went for a drink with my co-manager and a few of our colleagues, where they discussed their plans to take Ecstasy before/during our work Christmas party. Wonderful. FML

You what now?

Today, I heard a girl say, "Darth Vader is that black guy from Star Trek, right?" FML

You got lawyered

Today, I found out that I'm being sued for posting on Facebook about a customer service experience with a local company. Even though we have witnesses, the owners of the store claim that we're lying about the whole thing and that we're "malicious". FML

Today, I came home from school to find my house ransacked. The robbers shoveled a path from my back door to the driveway, through the snow, then they stole my snow-shovel. FML

Today, after taking a guy home and getting frisky, he woke up in the middle of the night, got out of bed, and peed on my desk. That's 2 years of uni work and my laptop soaked through. FML

Today, I got stood up by all five of my friends. I had to spend two hours getting hit on by a guy because I didn't feel safe to drive home. Their excuse? They didn't think I was serious when I said I was already at the bar. FML

Today, my neighbor tried to shoot my dog but missed and hit a rock. A shard of the bullet hit me in the leg and fractured my shin. Hello from the ER. FML

Today, a coworker told me I was "fat shaming" them by discussing weight loss with other coworkers. FML

Today, I threw out all the food in the freezer that my mom had been keeping since 2013. When she found out, she said, "frozen food doesn't go bad." FML

Right to privacy

Today, I was caught doing it with my boyfriend in a car because we wanted to have privacy from my family. I'm a grown adult with my own home. FML

The war on Christmas

Today, I was working the drive-thru. Everything was going fine until I handed a customer her order and said, "Happy Holidays". Before she drove off, she yelled, "it's Merry Christmas, bitch" and threw her coffee at the window. I'm Jewish and was trying to be polite. FML

Today, because it was our first Christmas as a couple, I was careful to get my girlfriend what I considered to be a very thoughtful gift. She opened it, took one look at it, made a face like I'd just kicked a puppy, and told me that in future it would be better if I just gave her money so she could buy her own presents. FML

Today, my boyfriend's dad's new girlfriend gave me a bar of soap, a sequin dress covered in her body odor, and a child-sized used Coach purse that smells like feet. She insists that I wear this outfit to their New Years Eve party. I gave them a bottle of expensive olive oil and a vinegar set. FML

Today, while moving into my new place, I saw my new, elderly neighbor sitting on her porch. I cheerfully greeted her with, "Hello, how are you?" She simply rocked slowly in her chair and replied, "Just waiting to die." She was the most cheerful person I met all day. FML

Today, I received a slip through my door saying that the package I'd ordered couldn't be delivered today because no-one was home to sign for it. I got the slip just in time to watch the guy who put it through my letterbox get in his van, look me in the eye and drive off. FML

Crowded house

Today I opened the door for my cat and he brought in a rat with him. Now the rat is hiding in my house. FML

Close to you

Today, while out to dinner with my adult daughter, I told her I look at her Twitter because it helped me to feel close to her since she rarely calls or visits. When I got home from dinner and looked at her Twitter, she had set it to private. FML

Today, my sister made a comment about my small boobs. I told her I'm actually a C cup, and she told me she "can't even C them". I just got roasted with a fucking pun. FML

Let's guess her name

Today, I answered a call from a customer. She expected me to exchange her item without her actually having to go to one of our 800+ stores. FML

Throbbing

Today, while laying in bed with my girlfriend, I felt her grab my manhood through a layer of blankets. I got a bit stiff, just in time for her to clench tight, and pull violently. She didn't know "it" was in her hand, as she was trying to cover herself with the blanket. My manhood is now red and swollen. FML

Today, it was the first day of my new job. It was also the last day of my new job. I got a call immediately after finishing my shift to be told the company has "decided to go in a different direction" and will no longer be needing my services. FML

Today, I rode my newly-purchased bicycle to Lowe's to look at flooring and back splashes for our upcoming remodel. Upon leaving the store, I found out that my bicycle had been stolen by someone who had bought a hacksaw from that store while I was shopping. They left the receipt to mock me. FML

Today, my group is so lazy and unwilling to do work for our debate project that my competition is offering to help me out. FML

Today, I needed to cut something open so I asked my roommate to toss me my pocket knife from the counter. Apparently, he heard, "Open the knife then toss me it." FML

Today, my girlfriend and I had sex. Later, she said the highlight of her day was getting a cupcake from the grocery store. FML

Today, I almost got hit by a car because the kid in the back who was wearing headphones was paying more attention to the road than the driver. He only just stopped her. FML

Today, I had to go to work on my day off to suspend someone. Afterwards, I got a call saying I can't suspend the person in question because the supervisor who told me to suspend them was wrong. FML