reapr03

Today, a student threw her hot coffee at me after I told her I was giving her an F. For months I've been telling her she needs to hand in missing work, but she thought I was bluffing. She got suspended, but my clothes are still ruined and I still got burned. FML

Today, I made 2 beautifully decorated cakes for Mother's Day. One was for my mother in law and the other for my mum. I came down to pack my mum's and found they had both been half eaten. My brother in law decided he wanted to try a bit of both to decide which was better. FML

Today, I started training my replacement for my job. My replacement already makes more money per hour than I do. FML

Today, I filed a client's tax return. His refunds alone were more than my gross annual salary. FML

Today, my friend used my phone to tag some of my overweight Facebook friends in a weight-loss video, along with the comment "Here's some motivation, fatasses!" I was able to delete the post, but not before I got a bunch of angry messages. FML

Today, I had sex for the first time. Now my girlfriend won't talk to me because I don't think she is pretty enough since I "wanted it to be over so fast". FML

Today, I called to see if my bridesmaid's dress was ready. They told me it had already been picked up, the bride's mom picked up the dress and got rid of it because she doesn't want me in the wedding. FML

Today, my girlfriend of two months and I are in completely different points in our lives. She ambushed me with ideas of having kids, getting married and being together forever. Currently, my biggest concern is passing the tenth grade. FML

Today, as a mascot for a pet store, I had to fake my own death to stop a little girl having a temper tantrum because she couldn't take me home. FML

Today, at my brother's baseball practice, two 6 year-old girls wanted a piggy back ride. I get this a lot due to my size, so after telling their mom how good I was with kids, I let one get on my back. I then promptly tripped over a puppy and face planted, resulting in a crying child. FML

Today, I found out about my sister's insanely detailed plan to abduct my one-year-old son and raise him as her own on another continent. All my mom did was tell me not to worry because she can't afford to move that far away. FML

Today, I took my boyfriend's advice and finally stood up to my very passive-agressive, rude mother. What started in a conversation about her snide comment about my outfit ended in me needing to find somewhere else to live. FML

Lost in the sauce

Today, the head chef at work yelled at me for not knowing the difference between two sauces. I couldn't win the argument, even after a coworker admitted to filling both bottles with the same sauce. FML

Today, I woke up to the sounds of fire alarms. Panicked and assuming it was my neighbor's gas furnace that set it off, I nearly broke their baby's bedroom window trying to wake them up. Turns out my roof leaked into the fire alarm, causing an electrical fire. It was my first day here. FML

Cyrano

Today, I found out that whenever I text my boyfriend something cute, he texts his friends and asks what to say in his reply. Basically, I've been talking to his friends all the time. FML

Trust

Today, my boyfriend's parents decided that I was untrustworthy and that if they ever saw him with me he'd be heavily punished. They're travelling hundreds of miles just to make sure he stays in the house and doesn't talk to me. FML

Today, I planned on "breaking up" with my best friend by confessing my love for her, hoping she would feel different and move on. She reciprocated. FML

Today, I found out one of my friends had never seen the "Two Girls, One Cup" video, so I loaded it up and told him to watch it. I knew he was squeamish, but I didn't expect him to actually pass out. He cracked his head on the side of my desk and had to be rushed to the hospital. FML

Insult of the week

Today, a customer got angry with me, because store policy says we can't accept returns of unsealed video games unless there's actual damage to the disc. The guy got enraged and started yelling about how I'm a "useless fuckwhistle". I almost got written up for laughing so hard at the insult. FML

Today, I got a text from a call girl. She asked me to delete her number because I'm too demanding. FML

Today, a friend asked me to help him get rid of a girl who would't stop texting him. It worked perfectly. Now she's texting me nonstop. FML

Today, my sister called me a moron after I told her that no, healthy foods do not give you "negative calories". She's 21 and goes around telling everyone that she's an expert nutritionist. FML

Creepypasta

Today, for the first time, I made a guy get a boner and make out with me. This would've been great if it hadn't been a dream, and if the guy in question hadn't been my brother. FML

Today, I took my boyfriend of 2 years on a family vacation to meet my family for the first time. We all got really drunk and he made out with my dad. This was day one and we don't fly back for another 16 days. FML

Today, it's day 9 of my honeymoon. It's also day 8 of my period and day 7 of food poisoning. FML

Today, my girlfriend dumped me by text for another man while I was at work. While I worked the drive-thru, a customer noticed me choking back my tears and said "I'd be cryin' too if I worked your dead-end job." FML

Today, I decided to be honest and told my husband I didn't love him anymore. It ended with a warrant for his arrest. FML

Today, I found a bowl of green beans just sitting in my microwave. The only person in my life who ever eats green beans is my psycho ex-girlfriend. She moved out three months ago. FML

Today, I found out my mother drives my car. I was okay with it; I don't use it all the time and she's my mother. However, I was not okay with the multiple speeding tickets that came through in the post. "You're the registered keeper, so why should I pay?" FML

Today, I asked a girl to prom by having 5 friends hold up signs saying "P-R-O-M-?" while I snuck up behind her. She said yes... to my friend holding the "?", who she thought was the one asking her. FML