Monsieur North Carolina 32 ans Célibataire
Today, while I was driving home, some jackass in an open-top sports car overtook us and flipped me off. Just as I overtook him in turn, my wife rolled down her window, pulled out her tampon, and launched it at the kid. I'm not sure who was more horrified, me or him. FML
Today, while I was taking my driver's test, my instructor received a text message. He promptly had a panic attack and screamed for me to pull over. It turned out his wife wanted a divorce. The last 15 minutes of my test consisted of him sobbing to himself as I drove back to the DMV. FML
Today, after math class, the resident creepy kid approached me and asked me out. I've only spoken to him twice before, so I was creeped out, and I politely declined. He totally lost it, and shouted that I'm a "friend-zoning bitch" before storming out of the room. FML
Today, I discovered I have epilepsy. 10 years ago, I told my mother about my frequent fits of vertigo, deja vu, nausea, flashes of memory and strange sounds, smells, and images, coupled with an other-worldly feeling. I thought they were holy visions. So did she. FML
Today, I went to the mall with my girlfriend to buy some new clothes, and I turned around to give her a quick kiss. My lips were half-way to "her" face when I saw instead the face of another lady. She slapped me. My girlfriend was standing next to me, very pissed off. FML
Today, I saw a long black hair coming out of the drain. Thinking it was my sister's, I called her in and pulled it out for her to see, only to realize I was actually pulling out a long brown roach by the antenna. FML
Today, after nearly two weeks of being stressed out due to financial issues, I decided to spend my last 4 dollars on stress-relieving body wash. Apparently this particular body wash causes me to break out in hives and now I have no money for rash cream. FML
Today, I lost all hope on making my project high quality because of my partner's incompetence. My partner, AKA the company president. FML
Today, while shopping, a lady came up to me and asked if she could borrow my baby because, "Y'know, I'm in a hurry and they'll let me checkout first." FML
Today, my father picked me up from the police academy I'm attending, and got caught speeding. The officer was my drill instructor, and I had to do push-ups on the side of the highway. FML
Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me over some rumors he heard about me. These rumors are from high-school, seven years ago. FML
Today, like any other day since that stupid movie Frozen came out, people have been asking me if I want to build a snowman. My name is Elsa. FML
Today, my boyfriend bought us plane tickets to Mexico for our "Honeymoon". This would be nice if he had proposed and if we'd been dating for longer than 2 weeks. FML
Today, at the gym, some muscle head idiot started yelling at the treadmill for not going fast enough, and I muttered "roid rage". Apparently said roids give him superhuman hearing, because he heard me from the other side of the room, and threatened to kill me. FML
Today, someone commented on my mother's memorial page on my blog. It said "u need too get over it bitch" and "ur mum was a wh0re". I looked up the IP address and found the comment was posted from my own wifi. The only other person who lives in my house is my girlfriend. FML
Today, my boyfriend threatened to break up with me if I don't satisfy his "needs." By "needs", he means me wearing a diaper during foreplay. FML
Today, my dad finally added me on Facebook, When I looked through his photos, I quickly noticed he'd heavily photoshopped the photos I'm in to make me look prettier. FML
Today, my teacher "busted" me for writing down answers on my arm for a test. The so called "answers" was just a duck my little nephew had drawn on my hand the night before. She's actually trying to get me suspended over it. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 5 years. She bitched me out for not getting the ring she had been "hinting" me to get, and angrily left. FML
Today, while bringing boxes up from the basement, I noticed a few spider egg sacs had stuck to my shirt. As I desperately tried to remove them, they hatched. FML
Today, I got on the bus to go to work. I managed to get a seat, but an old lady who looked tired had to stand. I offered her my seat, but she glared at me, frowned and said, "Go fuck yourself." Everyone laughed as I sat there in dismay. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. Her excuse? I was the one that had initially introduced them. FML
Today, I got home and found my wife cuddling with the dog and our new kitten. Both the cat and my wife hissed at me when I tried to join in. FML
Today, one of my debate opponents used the "Bill O'Reilly defense" against my arguments. This involved saying "You can't explain that" about easily explainable stuff, and speaking louder and louder to drown out my voice. He ended up getting a better grade than mine. FML
Today, my wife and I had an argument serious enough to end our marriage, while overseas on vacation, with my whole family present. Three more days of awkward tension until we get to fly home and it all ends. FML
Today, I get to add spaghetti sauce to my rather extensive list of things that don't belong in a person's eye but that end up in mine anyway. Other items include molten cheese, rock salt, orange juice, chips of nail polish, cotton fibers, and firework ash. FML
Today, I found out one of my girlfriend's recent Google searches was, "Should I admit to cheating or just dump him?" FML
Today, I noticed that I get more calls from people who've dialed the wrong number than I do from people I actually know. FML
Today, my girlfriend of over a year broke up with me via Facebook chat. When I asked her why, she replied, "You know why." and blocked me. No, I don't know. FML
Today, while driving to my daughter's wedding, the person behind us kept laying on her horn and yelling every time I stopped for a red light. That person was my wife. Sadly I'm too whipped to stand up to her and spent the whole drive pretending not to hear my passengers snickering at me. FML
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