nonopotatoe

Today, while fingering my girlfriend in the dark, I tried to be sexy and licked my fingers. After we turned the lights back on, we realized that her period had come early. FML

Today, per my boyfriend's request, I bought some lingerie. He got so excited when he saw me, he ripped it off me right away. After we were done he used it to clean up. I essentially bought a $40 cum rag. FML

Today, I was watching my dog via security camera live feed, when my roommate came in completely naked to make breakfast for himself. FML

Today, I went dancing with my best friend and I went back with her to crash in her bed. I didn't expect her boyfriend to stay over too, much less in the same bed. And I definitely did not expect them to have sex while I was there either. Nor to learn that he moans more than she does. FML

Today, I had my first astounding orgasm, during which I simultaneously shat myself and vomited. I'm so thankful my new partner was present. FML

Not worth it

Today, I got off late from my bartending job, which is close to my house, but my boyfriend begged me to come to his place half an hour away. I decided the sex would be worth the drive. He was sound asleep. FML

Today, I saw a creepy guy grab a woman's ass on the bus, so I caught his arm and put him in an arm lock, only for the woman to hit me in the head with her handbag. Turns out they were a married couple on their way home to have sex, and who couldn't resist a quick grope during the journey. FML

Today, I discovered that my obese 57-year-old mother’s flat-out refusal to close the door when she uses the bathroom doesn’t change even when I have friends over. FML

Today, my doctor ordered me an EKG to help my health anxiety. I have panic attacks and feel like my heart is out of rhythm, but my doctors have all told me it’s just in my head. I got the test results. I meet with the cardiologist next week to discuss surgery. FML

Today, my wife of 6 years came out as a lesbian. I moved out of state and away from family to start a new life with her. Turns out she's attracted to my mom. FML

Today, I was vacuuming our house because I wanted to help my parents. I wore a headset while listening to REALLY loud music. The vacuuming job took me two hours and when I took of my headset I noticed that I hadn't started the vacuum cleaner. FML

Today, I tried to vacuum to surprise my mom with a clean house. The vacuum started shorting out, sparked, and then burst into flames mid living room. FML

That sucks

Today, I got my dick sucked. Unfortunately, it was by the vacuum nozzle my cousin stuck down my pants. FML

Today, my boyfriends mom walked in on us having sex. She is partially blind so she couldn’t tell what was going on. She had a full conversation while he was still inside me. FML

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is actually a man. Not a transgender person, I'm okay with that, but an actual gay man who gets a kick out of pranking other guys. FML

That was short-lived.

Today, after getting my first debit card, I spent £60 on porn online. My mum made me print off a statement at the ATM as she wanted to know where my money had gone. She saw everything and cut up my card. FML

So clever. Wow.

Today, my boyfriend found some noise-canceling headphones that he forgot he had. Once he adjusted them and put them on, he sat down and asked me to tell him about my day. FML

Today, I asked my crush if she wanted to see a movie with me. She said no because she already saw it. The movie is coming out next week. FML

Today, I "woofed" at a man on a gay dating site before realizing he's my Psych professor. Now during every lecture I'll never forget his nipples are pierced. FML

Today, I was grounded for allegedly lying to my parents about being at my friend's house, in her outdoor hot tub. Apparently, my parents couldn't find me on Google Earth. I can't convince them that it's not actually a live feed. FML

Today, I flooded my entire kitchen. The water was cut off at night and I left the faucet open without realizing. When the sound woke me up at 5am, the water reached my ankles. I frantically tried to sweep it out before my mother woke up at 6am. I didn't make it. FML

Keeping it in the family!

Today, we got the results of our family's ancestry DNA tests. My father isn't related to me, but my grandfather is still my grandfather. Apparently grandma cheated on grandpa to get 'dad', and my mother cheated on 'dad' with my 'uncle' to get me. FML

Today, because I left my wallet at home, I got arrested for "underage smoking." I'm 32 years old. FML

Today, I found out that my husband’s crazy ex girlfriend has not only moved to our area, but has also landed herself on his patient list. He’s a gynecologist. FML

Today, I had to sit outside with nothing but a large bottle of wine to keep me company and no way to block out the sounds of my cousins loudly having sex with my two roommates upstairs. FML

Today, my boyfriend keeps trying to convince me that the hickey on his neck was from his friend attacking him with a vacuum cleaner. FML

Meow!

Today, I woke up in a guy's bed to one of his cats licking my nipples. FML

Today, my husband and I had a HUGE fight, but we had amazing make up sex so I figured it was over. When I woke up, I realized my mistake. I was tied to the four bed posts completely naked and a sign was taped on the ceiling. "Repairman coming in an hour. Gave him a key. Have all your clothes. Have fun." FML

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying that last night was awesome. When I said, "What do you mean?" he answered, "Come on Jess, I bet you can't stand straight." My name is Britney, but my friend's name is Jessica. FML

Hold on…

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my phone rang. We continued to have sex while I took the call. It was my gyno calling to tell me that I tested positive for chlamydia and that I needed to tell my partner. Yeah, sex ended real quick. FML