origami_queen

Today, I finally had my tongue piercing heal up so I decided to try oral on my girl. Unfortunately, she has a hood piercing that got caught on my tongue ring, and neither of us could get them apart. We had to call my mom in to solve the problem. FML

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. We got on the discussion of animals, and I showed them a picture of my cat on my phone. Being a touchscreen, when her father grabbed it, it changed picture. To a picture of my girlfriend, fully nude. FML

Today, I took a call. Wrong number. A few seconds later, they called back and I told her that she had the wrong number. She said she just hit redial and didn't understand how she got me again. I tried to explain how redial works. She called me a moron and hung up. Then my phone rang again. FML

Today, I was at the mall blasting music. I was wearing a nice shirt, and had my iPod in my breast pocket. I noticed a cute girl smiling at me, so I smiled back and as she started to walk over, I turned down my music while smiling. It looked like I was rubbing my nipple. FML

Today, I was on a roller coaster and this 13 year old sitting next to me was completely terrified. To cheer him up, I threw my hands in the air. While my hands were up, we hit a curve and I elbowed him in the face, making him cry. FML

Today, my adorable five and a half year old boy told me that when he grows up he's going to be my boyfriend. I thought it was kinda cute until I asked him why. "Because you need one." FML

Today, I bought a new mailbox to replace the old one that was stolen. Two hours after I put the new mailbox up, the old one was back and the new one was missing. FML

Today, my parents booked my 18th birthday party at Chuck E Cheese's. FML

Today, I made a bowl of spaghetti for my girlfriend and me. I tried the move from Lady and the Tramp where the boy and girl both slurp the same piece of spagetti and end up kissing. When I tried it, the spagetti went too down far my throat, and I ended up throwing it up on her. FML

Today, it was my wedding day, and while I was standing next to my husband in front of all of our guests, I was rocking on my heels because I was nervous. I rocked too far and fell backward. My husband didn't come to help me up. He just said at the top of his lungs, "FAIL!" FML

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, I was frantically searching for my cell phone. He was curious as to what I was doing so I told him. There was long silence followed by laughter. He could hardly breathe as he told me, "Honey you're on your phone talking to me." FML

Today, I found out I have a daughter. How did I find out? She added me on Facebook. FML

Today, I spent a long time steam-cleaning a mystery stain on my living room carpet. I turned the light on to get a better look at it, and realized that it was a shadow. FML

Today, was the third day of my camping trip with my "friends". I woke up in my boxers with my hand glued to my forehead. FML

Today, I was making out with my new boyfriend when he pulled away and looked me deeply in the eyes, he smiled and said, "I don't care what anyone else says, I think you're beautiful." FML

Today, I was horseback riding. Somebody yelled something behind me, so I turned around. Next thing I know, I am on the ground and my head is killing me. It turns out I ran into a tree branch. The person behind me simply said, "Watch out." FML

Today, I have to pack for tomorrow's family vacation. For one week I get to be stuck in a one bedroom cabin with my alcoholic father, bipolar mother, and two much younger siblings who have a passion for screaming. FML

Today, I held the door open for an old man in a motorized wheelchair. He missed the door, hit my foot, and called me an asshole for getting in his way. FML

Today, I saw my boyfriend spitting the mouthwash back into the bottle, because, "this stuff is really expensive." FML

Today, I packed my bags and left for the airport. When I passed through security, the X-ray scanner discovered that my cat had also come along for the ride. FML

Today, drunk at a party, I leaned through a window to throw up. I was outside. FML

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my family for the first time. My mother's immediate reaction was, "We didn't know you were gay!" No mom, she really is a girl. FML

Today, as every day for the past few weeks, my husband won't have sex. His reason? We've decided to have a baby, and he reckons that the longer he waits, the more competition there will be between his sperm and thus the better the result will be. FML

Today, my hairdresser apologised because he couldn't distinguish the hair from the back of my head from the hair from my back. FML

Today, I got talking to a pretty girl on the subway. Just as she was about to get off, I handed her my phone so that she could give me her number. She ran out with it. FML

Today, after about fifteen minutes of my cat bullying me into letting him get onto my lap, I finally caved. He clambered on, turned around, farted in my direction and got off as fast as he got on. FML

Today, it was my first time with my boyfriend, at his house, in his Dora the Explorer sheets. FML

Today, in the doctor's waiting room, a little boy asked me for a cookie. I told him that I didn't have any. He replied, "But my mom says that ladies with big butts always have cookies in their handbags." FML

Today, my seven-year-old son put a spider in the microwave. Animal cruelty? No. The goal was to irradiate it, then get it to bite him so that he would become Spider-Man. FML

Today, a homeless guy asked me for a cigarette. Knowing that I only had a couple left in my pack, I gave it to him. He opened it, took one out and thanked me profusely. A bit surprised, I went on my way. Oh yes, that's right, the pack contained the money I'd withdrawn from an ATM. FML