AbiFaith

Today, I was taking a shower when I seized, tripped over the edge of the tub, and broke my nose by slamming my face in the open toilet. Thank you, epilepsy. FML

Today, at work as a meter maid, I had a man scream at me. He had a handicapped license plate on his 3-wheel motorcycle and said he could "park in any handicapped spot and not have to pay the meter". He wouldn't believe he was wrong, even after the police chief backed me up. FML

Today, I came home after a month to dog poop everywhere. Not because my dog is untrained, but because my brother is too lazy to clean the backyard and there’s nowhere left for them to poop. FML

Today, my memory loss hit a new low as I was filling out paperwork and couldn't remember my son's name. FML

Today, I found out that my best friend, the love of my life, is no longer engaged. He's now married. I wasn't invited. FML

Today, I have to start wearing adult diapers because I can't stop peeing myself. I'm 22. FML

Today, after a long shift at work, I got home feeling sick and nauseous. I went to remove the tampon I'd had in all day and go to bed, but I literally uncorked myself. There was blood everywhere... on the floor, all over my legs, even on the walls. Everywhere I look, I find more. FML

ALWAYS KNOCK

Today, I got screamed at on the toilet for telling the person who walked in on me to shut the door. My pants were around my ankles, I was holding a tampon, and the door was wide open as my mom and sister ran over to help. FML

Today, I found out that even though I’m a wonderful singer, my choir teacher gave me a B in the class because I didn’t have “enough facial expression”. I got marked down for a resting bitch face without a warning. FML

Today, despite being the president of the Japanese club at my school since it started, my mom will not let me go on a school-sponsored trip to Japan. She's worried that North Korea will fire a missile at Japan while I'm there. FML

Today, while picking up my dog from the groomer, the back of my hand accidentally brushed against the entire side of her boob. She stopped talking mid-sentence. I'm going to need to find a new groomer. FML

Today, my husband and I were unable to exchange rings at our marriage ceremony as his ring was still out being resized. We had continuously waited for the store to call, and had reluctantly decided to just do the ceremony without. As we sat down to lunch after, they called. It was ready. FML

Today, as I was taking a time out to decompress after a fight with my boyfriend, I woke up from a nap to discover him making plans to move me and our cats back to New York. I moved over 1300 miles to be here and we own a house together. Today is our anniversary. FML

Today, the chronic nerve inflammation in my right arm decided to come back with vengeance. Anti-inflammatory drugs don't help me anymore and the school year hasn't even started yet. I'm studying illustration. FML

Today, I just hit 41 weeks pregnant. Today is also the day my AC decided to die. I live in Florida, where it's hot WITH the AC on. This is gonna be fun. FML

Today, I was informed that I had to repeat a freshman course that I aced because of a glitch in the system. I'm a senior now. FML

Today, my boyfriend's mother informed me that when I visit him next month, he is planning to propose. We have a long-distance relationship and I've been thinking of breaking it off. His friends and family are involved with the proposal he planned. They're all going to hate me. FML

Today, a creepy-looking guy asked me if I "like bananas" and I said no. He then followed with "Do you want to taste my banana?" Shocked by his boldness, I froze. My boyfriend, who had heard the entire exchange, just laughed and walked off, leaving me with the creeper. FML

Today, while going to visit my father, I got out of the car and put my iPad on the roof to grab my bags. My mom drove off before I could get it. FML

Today, just after letting my dogs inside, I took a shower. As soon as I left the bathroom, I stepped in a very nice present left by my dog, a pile of warm crap. After getting that mess cleaned up, I walked into the hallway just to slip in a puddle of piss. FML

Today, I got home from a long, stressful day at class to hear my grandma screaming from inside the barn. I quickly dropped all my things and ran in to see what was going on. Did something fall on her? Was there an animal attacking the horses? No. A pigeon had gotten into the barn. I had to chase it out. FML

Today, the car I've been saving up for three years, which I bought three weeks ago, was hit by my neighbor who was texting. While it was parked. In my driveway. FML

Today, I got bullied at work for wanting to wear gloves. The culprit? My GM. My profession? Foodservice. FML

Today, 4 weeks after I told my housemate I was moving out, she told me she expects me to continue paying rent beyond when I leave, despite giving her plenty of notice. Now I'm dealing with lawyers and it's more drama than I can handle. FML

Today, my boss told me I might get fired because I didn't break up a fist fight. I am over 7 months pregnant and both of the people who were fighting are bigger than me. FML

Today, a woman walked in with her dog into a pet-free zone of my restaurant. When I politely told her that she would have to move, she told me she had a guide dog and would be calling her lawyer. I lost my job by the end of the night because she thinks dog vests are cruel. FML

Today, my mom decided to let my sandwich spoil instead of refrigerating it. I spent half an hour vomiting and my mom thinks it's funny. FML

Today, I got a few splinters at work. In the middle of trying to remove them, my coworkers noticed and decided to "help". Ten minutes later, the splinters are gone and so is the random mole on my palm I've had my whole life. My hand hurts. FML

Today, while dreaming, I was thirsty and grabbed a glass of water to drink. The taste was so horrible that it caused me to wake up and realize I was drinking the isopropyl alcohol I keep on my nightstand for my CPAP machine. All Poison Control had to say was, "Uh oh." FML

Today, I accidentally bought an audio book through iBooks for $40 AUD. I'm deaf. FML