Madame Warsaw, U.S.A. 30 ans En couple
Today, a guy in my class was talking about himself. He started his story with, "When I was little, I was a ginger." I replied without thinking, "Is that why you got put up for adoption?" Him being adopted was the actual story he wanted to tell. FML
Today, I ran out of gas while driving, and had to call a tow truck. I drive a tow truck. FML
Today, I found out that the 20% pay cut that the "management team" took at my job really only applied to... me. I also found out that my closest friend at work has been lying to me about it, and telling my boss everything I say. His pay was never cut. I guess it pays to be the boss's snitch. FML
Today, my girlfriend was complaining that we don't have "a song". Irritated, I told her that I'd put on the radio, and whatever song was playing was our song from now on. I switched on the radio, and "It's Not Fair" by Lily Allen was playing. Our song is about premature ejaculation. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me about this guy who makes balloon animals with his penis. My boyfriend has spent the last 4 hours trying to make his penis look like a pretzel. FML
Today, I got back to work at my hospital after some sick leave. The first jackass to waste my time was a guy with leg lacerations. This, he claimed, was because he tried to break a samurai sword over his leg as part of a bet. It's day one and already I want to kill myself. FML
Today, my mom told me to take out the trash. I thought it would be a good idea to Hulk-smash it into the can. I missed. The bag ripped and garbage flew everywhere. FML
Today, I am one year away from getting a university degree. Unfortunately, my parents just kicked me out because I wouldn't drop out and work for free at our family's gas station. I'm now broke, homeless, and have no way to pay for school. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 10 months moved to Europe and we may never see each other again, so I gave her a $200 sterling silver heart necklace as a goodbye present. She gave me a pack of gum. Cinnamon, which I'm allergic to. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex when he stopped responding. Five minutes later and ready to hang up, he apologized because he got distracted with his game of Tetris. FML
Today, I went in for an audition. Since my wrist had been in a brace all week, I felt I would be fine without it for one day because I didn't want it to be a distraction. I tripped in the middle of the dance routine and crashed on top of my injured wrist. FML
Today, I saw a real, erect penis for the first time. My brother's, while he was jerking off. He doesn't know I saw, because he was holding a pair of panties over his face with his other hand. I'm trying like hell to act like I'm not mentally scarred. FML
Today, the girl I've been seeing for just over a week casually let me know that she'll slash her wrists if I ever leave her. FML
Today, my dad watched the news and decided to start preparing for Hurricane Sandy by buying $300 worth of long-life and canned food. We live in Australia. FML
Today, I overheard my boss talking about me on the phone. Turns out he was drunk off his ass when he gave the go-ahead to hire me, and he's now searching for any excuse to legally fire me. FML
Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for my family. I got a huge paper cut on the webbing of my fingers, the pain of which caused me to scream out loud. My whole family heard and came rushing to my room. My grandma took one look, and scoffed, "Oh suck it the fuck up, princess." FML
Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he discovered that if he hits a certain area just right, my leg starts shaking like a dog. Now he won't stop patting my head and saying, "Who's a good girl?!" FML
Today, I woke up early and took my medication to help me focus while catching up on lectures. I ended up spending the whole day focused on fixing my drawer for no apparent reason. FML
Today, I received yet another letter from a relative bitching me out for not involving my parents in my wedding. The parents who showed no interest in our relationship and then yelled at my fiancé and me when we announced it to them, calling us stupid, naive, heathens, and mentally ill. FML
Today, I went for a lunch interview for my dream job. The interview was great and at the end, I tried to seal the deal by complimenting my future boss. I said, "You're really hardworking. Do you always work on a Saturday?" He looked at me, smiled and then wrote something down. Today's Friday. FML
Today, I found out how my salesmen are "entertaining" themselves since they were told they can't have their phones on them. They're pulling straws to see who will pretend to trip and fall face-first onto the floor in front of customers. FML
Today, I was so ashamed of my weight when I sat down and the suction of my thighs made a loud fart noise, I admitted to it being a fart rather than my fat rolls. FML
Today, I asked my mom why she drinks. She said she only drinks when she's depressed. My step-dad said she only drinks on the weekend. Those are the days I'm at her house. FML
Today, the elevator got stuck in between floor 4 and 5 at my doctors office. I had been having violent diarrhea. It was the reason I was at the doctor. Elevator was stuck for 35 minutes. During that time, I diarrhea'd in my pants twice. There were seven other people in the elevator. FML
Today, I started 2018 with a bad case of food poisoning. Not exactly the New Year's cleanse I was hoping for. FML
Today, the company offering the job position that I've been applying for called me up. I wasn't there to answer so they got redirected to my voice mail in which I'm acting like a drunk David Hasselhoff chewing on a cheeseburger. They called me 5 times. FML
Today, my mom stole 18 grand from my disabled sister's trust fund to give to an online boyfriend. As a trustee, the government can go after me for what my mom did. FML
Today, my 7-year-old used the word "crap". When I told her that she mustn't use that word because it's rude, she simply replied, "Mother, you should hear the words I use at school." FML
Today, I was giving a competitive dramatic speech. I got a little too into it and punched the ground to portray my character's anger. I must be one dedicated thespian because I was angry enough to break my hand. FML
Today, I finally got my fussy newborn back to sleep after the creaking of my chair woke her. I then crept two rooms over and opened a pack of chips, the crinkle of which woke her again. FML
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