maddieb1998

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

The bitch is back

Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later, I got a text saying, "I just dropped the bitch off, I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I later asked him about it. He said, "Megan, I have no idea what you're talking about." My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Today, I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML

Today, I accidentally ran my thumb down the cheese grater while preparing lunch beside my wife. I instantly jerked my hand away from the grater just in time run my forearm across the knife she was using. I now have 20 stitches and 5 staples in my arm, no lunch, and a puking wife. FML

Making a scene

Today, I was at the mall in a store looking at movie posters. I turned around and suddenly saw a creepy guy smiling at me, holding his arms out wide. I screamed, "Holy shit!" really loudly, causing everyone to stop and stare at me funny. Then I realized the creepy man was a cardboard cutout. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I watched Juno. When the baby is born in the film, I put my arm around my girlfriend and whispered in her ear that one day it could be us having a baby. She responded by punching me in the happy sacks and telling me I wasn't getting any from her in a long time. FML

Today, I found out that the only reason my boyfriend wants to move in with me is so he has better internet connection and won't get kicked off of Xbox live while playing MW2. FML

Today, I found out that my "I don't believe in pre-marital sex" boyfriend is the father of my younger sister's newborn baby. After four years of being in a serious, but sexless, relationship, I am now single, horny, and an aunt. FML

Today, talking to my boyfriend about each others families, we noticed we both had an aunt with the same name. After a while of trying to figure things out, we decide to call her. Turns out that we are long distance cousins. FML

Today, on the bus, a delusional old man had an extremely long conversation with me, referring to me as "Leslie" and talking about "our childhood together". Not wanting to hurt his feelings I played along. At his stop he got up and grinned at me, saying "I'm kidding. I never knew a Leslie in my life. Nice rack." FML

Today, after 18 years of struggling to provide my daughter with the finest educational opportunities I could afford, I dropped her off to start school at the best public university in the U.S. So far the only thing she's learned is what weed smells like. FML

Today, I had a swollen knee, and was slowly limping to the toilet. All of a sudden, my mom ran past me, beating me to it. As she closed the door, she said, "AT LEAST I CAN RUN!" FML

Stop talking

Today, my grandma gave me a sex talk. Not the usual one, either. This one was about blowjobs. I had to sit politely as she explained it's something all women have to learn if they want a well-behaved husband, but that it's an "acquired taste." Gag me. FML

FML: Uncensored

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head during the horror flick we were watching. Little did I know, my girlfriend isn't a big fan of horror films. It was during a sex scene that intensified the moment. The same sex scene from which emerged a sudden jump-scare. I now have bite marks on my penis. FML

Today, at work as a gynecologist, I called in my last patient of the day. As soon as I took a peek, I noticed that she had stuck googly-eyes above her vagina. She told me with a straight face not to be afraid, because "She doesn't bite." FML

Oh, so cute

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the store to buy oranges and pick up a pack of condoms. When we were at the checkout counter, my boyfriend happily told the cashier, "The only way we can have sex is if we squeeze oranges all over our bodies." FML

Sounds like a keeper

Today, my boyfriend of 2 weeks said that he was going to cook me dinner. After waiting for the frozen pizza that he decided to make for me to be completely cooked, he said, "Oh I hate this part", reached into the oven with his bare hands and took out the pizza, all while screaming. He is 24. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex; I know that some women are great multitaskers, but I'm guessing it was a bad sign when she started to go over the shopping list. FML

Today, I found a pound of cooked bacon in the dryer. When I asked my roommate about it, he confessed; his excuse was that he wanted to dry up the grease before eating it. FML

Creeper

Today, my girlfriend from high school contacted me, telling me we should hang out some time; I casually agreed. Two hours later she's on my doorstep in tears, wanting me to take her back. She's married with kids. I live four states away and haven't a clue how she found out where I live. FML

Today, after a few weeks of my friends pestering me to spend time with a mutual friend, I realized we had a lot in common. We both love shoes, peanut butter, and it appears that my boyfriend of three years is her boyfriend of four years. FML

Risky comeback

Today, my mum asked me, "Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?" On impulse, I replied, "Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?" I've never been hit so hard in my life. FML

Today, I walked in on my brother giving his best friend a hand-job. I can't unsee this. FML

Today, my husband rejected sleeping with me because he wants to "save his energy" for building his custom car. Apparently, I'm a "distraction." FML

Today, at work at a farm, we got a new calf. It looked like it had to poop, but was having difficulty. About four hours later it still hadn't pooped. Turns out it was born without an actual butthole. It was there, just sealed up by skin. I literally had to cut this poor calf a new butthole. FML

Little shit

Today, my seven-year-old nephew challenged me to a push up contest in front of my girlfriend. He beat me, and then asked my girlfriend why she's dating a pussy. FML

Today, my husband laughed at me for farting in the bathtub; I lied by admitting to it. The fact is that I have enough back-fat to create suction against the bathtub. FML

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML