grafic77eb

I hate my job

Today, my girlfriend's deaf and senile cat listens to my verbal instructions better than my completely healthy middle school students listen to me. FML

Today, my boyfriend cooked us a romantic dinner using the oven. The oven he recently hid $3,000 in for safekeeping. We essentially just spent thousands of dollars on a casserole. FML

Denial

Today, I said "I love you" to my girlfriend for the first time. She responded with, "I'm just gonna pretend I never heard that." FML

Today, I realized my recent weight loss probably wasn't caused by working out and eating more healthily. It was from the tapeworm I discovered hanging out my ass after I took a crap. I had to pull it out with my bare hands. FML

Today, I farted so loud that my cat thought that I was growling at him, and bit me in self-defense. FML

Suspicious mind

Today, after two weeks of intense detective work, I found out my wife isn't cheating on me after all. She really has just been going out and playing table tennis with her friend like she said. Who the hell even plays table tennis? FML

And I oop

Today, my boyfriend's dick got stuck in the wrong hole. And by wrong hole I mean the pool filter. FML

Today, my dog brought me his squeaky toy to throw for him. I went to throw it down the hallway but it hit the door and bounced about a foot in front of him. He just stared at me for a minute like I was dumb, then took it to my boyfriend to throw. I disappoint even my dog. FML