InuYashaFanGirl

Today, I slept with this new guy for the first time. After sex, he said the doggie style position was fun, it made him wonder what it would be like to rape a girl. FML

Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing." FML

Better Call Small

Today, I was eating at a restaurant with my boyfriend. He's 6'2 and I'm 4'11. Out of nowhere, the hostess started openly flirting with him, and asked him if he needed a booster chair for his daughter. FML

Today, I returned home from college and saw a framed picture of my parents and my younger sister on an elephant in an exotic jungle. I pointed to the picture and asked my mom, "Is this some photoshop job?" She responded, "No, we went to Thailand for a family trip, didn't we tell you?" FML

Snuggle up

Today, I called my boyfriend crying to tell him I had the most terrible day. He said I should come over, and he would make me feel better. I said I just want to snuggle, and I was impressed with his sincerity. Then he said, "Can we snuggle... with my dick in you?" FML

Challenger

Today, while working on a medical school application, I asked my mom what she thought my greatest challenge in life had been. She replied, "Trying to lose your virginity." FML

Today, my parents gave me a shirt from Banana Republic for my birthday. It looked like one I had bought for myself a couple of days earlier but I thanked them and went to hang it in my closet. An empty hanger hung where I placed the shirt I had purchased. They gave me my shirt for my birthday. FML

Today, to ask a boy I really liked to my school's turnabout dance, I gave him a box full of 10 cupcakes that spelled out T-U-R-N-A-B-O-U-T-?. The boy gave the box back a little later. There were two cupcakes left inside. It said N-O. FML

Today, I found out I could not go to the Philippines because I have never had Chicken Pox. The school took the radical decision to prohibit students who have never had Chicken Pox to leave the college. I am condemned to stay in Hong Kong in some shitty project because I am a healthy young man. FML

Today, I was at a party and we were all playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. It was my crush's turn to spin the bottle so my heart started pounding. The bottle pointed towards me! Then my crush said, "With her it'd be 'Seven Minutes in Hell'. Just skip me." FML

Today, in the fitting room at Old Navy, a customer asked me if we sold Calvin Klein jeans. I replied "no ma'am, this isn't a department store, we only sell Old Navy jeans." She left, and complained to my manager, who informed me that "the customer is always right." FML

Today, I slipped on the ice in front of my apartment, spraining my ankle and cracking a rib. While I laid on the ground immediately after, my neighbor chewed me out for saying "shit" in front of her 4-year-old on my way down. FML

Today, a creepy man on the subway said he liked my eyeballs. It was the best compliment I've received in months. FML

OK Stephanie, whatever

Today, a co-worker superior to me called me "Stephanie" yet again. My name is Ashley. I politely informed her that my name is Ashley and subtly pointed to my work ID. Later, I get called into my supervisor's office. I got written up for correcting someone of higher status than me. FML

Today, I went to visit my Grandmother, accidentally leaving my phone home during the weekend. When I got back I had 2 texts from my crush. One saying "I want to take the most beautiful girl to prom, go with me?" and the other saying, "Fine fattie, I'll ask someone else." FML

Today, I went to my guidance counselor and told her how I'd been fascinated with space since I was 12, had read about the universe and everything, and how I want to be an astrologist when I grow up. She stared at me for a second, before saying, "But you're... stupid." FML

Today, my brother had his fiancée over to meet the whole family. We were having a great time with her, and my mother gushed to her that she was like the daughter she never had. I'm her daughter. FML

Hold still!

Today, I had my wisdom teeth pulled. There was a cyst behind one of them, and the dentist decided to extract it - except the Novocaine didn't reach that far back. I raised my hand like they said to do, and the dentist looked at me writing in pain and said, "No, you're fine." FML

5-star meal

Today, while I was babysitting, the toddler was feeding me banana slices from her tray while I was cutting up clay for her to mold. It was all fine until she shoved something hard and crunchy into my mouth. I immediately spat it out into my hand. It was a dead cricket she found on the floor. FML

Today, I was out with my friend. My six year old daughter was also with us. While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice "Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?" FML

Are you OK?

Today, I was walking out of the grocery store when out of nowhere, a car backing up pretty fast sped down the parking lot and hit me, causing me to fall down and drop all of my groceries. The woman jumped out of her car, not to help me, but to carefully check her bumper for scratches. FML

Self report

Today, I was watching this TV show where a man was describing how much he loved this woman, how he made every opportunity to see her, and how he loved her in a way nobody else could. I smiled, because that's exactly the way I feel about my crush. Then I realized the program was about stalkers. FML

Thanks, I hate it!

Today, I received a letter in the mail from my Grandma about how much she adores and loves me. Then it went into detail about how much prettier, smarter, and successful I am than my sister, Leah. I'm Leah. She'd put the letters into the wrong envelopes. FML

Today, my parents yelled at me for coming home at 1am this morning from a friend's birthday party. I'm 30 years old. FML

Today, I went to the mall with my mom. We were in American Eagle shopping for spring clothes, when a few good looking guys walked by and whistled at me. I smiled at them. They were checking out my mom, not me. FML

Today, my parents told me they were going out for dinner tonight. I jokingly responded, "Sweet! I am totally having a keg party then!" My dad responded, "Keg parties are only for kids who have friends." He was serious. FML

Curlywurly

Today, I got up extra early to curl my hair because I wanted to look nice at school for a change. After coming downstairs my mom yells at me and says, "See, when you don't wake up on time your hair looks like that. You could have at least combed it!" FML

Truth bomb

Today, I showed up at my boyfriend's work to surprise him by speaking in Spanish, his first language. I've been taking classes secretly. He smiled, kissed me, and then finished telling his friend, in Spanish, that I'm boring and ugly but he's got nothing better going on. FML

Attraction

Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML

Today, I went to Walgreen's for a tub of Vaseline. The old guy at the counter looked at me, winked, and said, "Not having too much luck with the ladies, eh?" He was right. FML