Today, I farted in front of my husband. It somehow turned into a farting war. Then I realized this is the closest we've come to intimacy in a week. FML
Today, after a nice swim at the local pool, I ran into a naked girl in the showers. She screamed, kicked me in the nuts and ran off. I still have no clue what she was doing in the men's shower room. FML
Today, the boy I tutor failed his math test. As a result, the family fired me. The boy failed because he forgot to write his name at the top. FML
Today, I realized I've never had sex with someone who was sober at the time. FML
Today, I decided to shave my balls. When I was finished, I vacuumed up the mess on the carpet, and then the fragments of hair still on my balls. Very bad idea. FML
Today, I went with my friends to see a movie. I handed my student card over to the cashier as proof I was old enough to see it, and he started laughing hysterically at my picture. Then he called over a colleague, who also started laughing. FML
Today, I was jamming out and playing some air guitar. I somehow managed to knee myself directly in my left eye socket. I now have a hideously swollen face and a black eye. When people ask me what happened, I'll be hesitant to tell the truth. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for the first time. I cracked a joke that offended her, so she gave me the silent treatment. I had to pee, and since she wouldn't tell me where the bathroom was, I went to look for it. I walked in on her parents making love. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to scare my dad for once, since he has scared me for fun dozens of times. It would have been funny, had he not punched me in the face. FML
Today, I angrily tweeted about having fruitlessly searched for over an hour for my car keys. Minutes later, some guy told me to check beneath the "stack of skid-marked underwear" on my bedroom floor. I'm not sure if it was a lucky guess, or if I should start carrying mace. FML
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