Grandspacepirate

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

The bitch is back

Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later, I got a text saying, "I just dropped the bitch off, I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I later asked him about it. He said, "Megan, I have no idea what you're talking about." My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML

Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me. I got bitchy about it, and said "Did I say you could take a picture?" He replied with, "No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?" I turned around, and they were right behind me. FML

Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML

Today, I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML

Today, I was parking my car outside of my apartment, but the big truck next to the spot went over the line. I squeezed in anyway. Later, I discovered the truck had left and someone keyed my car. They left a note saying, "Good parking job, asshole." FML

Today, while I was walking downtown a homeless person asked me for a dollar. I thought it would be funny to wave the dollar in his face and taunt him. I guess he thought it would be funny to stab me in the leg with a pencil. FML

Today, I met my roommate for the first time. I walked in the door to see him in full Roman gladiator gear, screaming at the computer because he lost 18 knights. He also told me he wakes up every 3 hours to make sure his army is still intact. FML

Today, while browsing YouTube, I looked at the section "Recommended for You." I saw a video titled "How to get a girlfriend." Even YouTube thinks I can't get one. FML

A for effort

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of his morning dump because it was heart-shaped. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on for the first time. Just as I was about to climax, I spotted my greatest fear, a big wasp, only a few inches away from me. I shuddered and made a very unmanly orgasm wail. She now refuses to have sex because she says I "turned her off forever". FML

Today, I woke up with bowel problems which have been causing me to violently pass wind every couple of minutes. I have to spend the next two hours sitting an exam in dead silence. FML

Today, I started at my new waitressing job. Our uniforms have the name of the restaurant on the left chest pocket. My first customer asked me what the other boob was called. FML

Masterclass

Today, I spent my day creating a new type of laugh, and performing it in my head. FML

Today, I came out to my parents. I don't really fit any stereotype, I'm just an average guy who happens to be into guys. Ten minutes later, I overheard my mother say to my step-dad, "Should we redecorate his room pink?" FML

Today, while in bed, my boyfriend pointed to my stomach and said, "Bad fat", then pointed to my boobs and said, "Good fat." FML

Today, I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while, but I had heard she was pregnant. I rubbed her belly and asked when she was due. She slowly backed away, giving me a weird look and said, "Two months ago." FML

Check this out

Today, while on a date, I went to take a sip of my drink, but for some reason I expected a straw to be there. I ended up wiggling my tongue and mouth around my glass looking for it as I kept my eyes on my date. It must've looked like I was trying to be seductive in the creepiest way possible. FML

Let down

Today, my boyfriend saw my boobs for the first time. His reaction was, "Well that's... disappointing". FML

Today, at my job at a fast-food restaurant, I once again got called into the men's bathroom to break up sex between two homeless people. FML

Today, I was at a buffet with my kids and husband. As my boys got up to get more food, I told them they'd better come back with something green on their plate. They both came back with mint ice cream and got a high-five from my husband. FML

Today, I took out my phone and realized I butt dialed my girlfriend and left her a 4 minute voicemail of me farting in an echoing toilet bowl. FML

Today, my son got in serious trouble after he was caught trying to sell weed to people in the street. The good news is that the "weed" was just actual weeds he'd pulled from our lawn. The bad news is that at age 16, my son is too stupid to know the difference. FML

Today, my grandmother tried to start a fist-fight with my wife during my wedding ceremony. FML

Today, I was disciplined by my boss for "not smiling enough." I'm a dishwasher. FML

Seeing the sights

Today, I used a public toilet. After I did my business in the stall and walked out, I was confronted by the sight of a man standing on tip-toes, holding his penis up to the automatic hand-dryer. Doubt I'll get that image out of my head any time soon. FML

Today, my psycho neighbor finished building a cannon. An honest-to-god, on-wheels, could-be-on-a-pirate-ship cannon. And now he's testing it in the forest by my house. I'm pretty scared for my life, to be honest. FML

Today, I came home and found that my home had been robbed. The worst part? One of the thieves took a dump in my toilet and didn't flush. It doesn't even look human. FML

Today, my wife bought a strap-on. I'm about fifty miles beyond terrified. FML

Judgemental

Today, on the bus, a little boy gave me the dirtiest look, pointed at my pregnant stomach, and menacingly said, "I know what you did." FML