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Average SunnO))) fan

Today, I saw a man on the bus with the strangest band shirt I have ever seen. I couldn't help but stare at it and try and figure out what the band was… until he turned to me and said, "Why not take a picture, asshole?" then got off the bus. As he walked away, I saw that he was missing an arm. FML

Freedom

Today, after finalizing my divorce, I decided to go out with a guy I had been ogling for months, after much anticipation and a few rounds of drinks at the bar, I was ready to roll. Much to my disappointment, his penis was so small the condom wouldn't stay on. FML

Trash

Today, I parked and noticed a car that was identical to mine across from me. I thought it was an amusing coincidence until I came back to find both cars trashed. At least the vandal realized their mistake and left a note saying, "You deserve it for having the same car as that cheater, asshole!" FML

Hangry

Today, I was on a city bus, and there was a woman and her child sitting behind me. I began to feel tugging on my jacket so I leaned forward, assuming the child was pulling on it. I sat back and felt the tugging again. After a couple of minutes, I heard the mother say, "Stop chewing on that!" FML

Little shit

Today, I was asked to take care of my 3 year-old little brother. After 15 minutes of him screaming and me trying to keep him entertained, he started throwing his toy cars at me. He hit me in the mouth, and I started to bleed. My parents yelled at me for "not controlling him." FML

Today, a really hot guy smacked my ass. I farted. FML

Today, I watched Cast Away with my girlfriend after not seeing it for a year. I forgot how sad it was when Wilson "dies" at the end. I cried. My girlfriend told me to man up. FML

Today, I was on the train when I fell asleep. Everything would have been fine but I was suddenly jerked awake by the very loud sound of my own fart, followed by the stares of many strangers. FML

Today, I saw my boyfriend for the first time in a while. When he came over we realized that we had not only gotten the same haircut, but we were also wearing the same sweater. We are a matching old couple at 17. FML

Shit!

Today, I found out my sister has a new boyfriend. That would have been helpful to know three hours ago, before I told her boyfriend, who is also my best friend, that I loved him. His response? "HAHAHA! Good one! Oh Seriously? Shit." FML

Ouch

Today, while shopping with my mother, she handed me a frozen turkey to put in the cart, but ended up swinging it into my nuts instead. I feel like a giant battered eggplant, and I think I'm now impotent. FML

Today, I realized that over the course of this winter, there have been more snow days in Atlanta than days in which I have ever been on a date. FML

Today, I got an allergic reaction to Nair. It was so bad I had to have my girlfriend take me to the hospital at 2am. Where was the allergic reaction? On my nuts. FML

Today, my throat is really swollen so I can only drink liquid. I noticed home-made ice-lollies in the freezer and had one. It tasted funny. Turns out my little brother had peed in one of those ice-lolly box and put it in the freezer. FML

Today, I found out exactly what Ducolax stool softener is all about. Holy colon cleanse Batman! FML

Today, my 18 year-old daughter comes home, telling me she has been fired from her job at McDonalds. The reason? They had iCarly Happy Meal toys and she couldn't resist stealing one. FML

Today, my six year old daughter cut out the stomach area of four of my favorite shirts. When I asked her why she had done so she replied, "So that they fit your tummy better, Mommy." FML

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend in her room. That means: Jonas Brothers posters on the wall, Jonas Brothers pillows, sheets, comforter and stuffed dog. After we did it, she apologized to her posters for having to see that, since they're pure. FML

Today, I was supposed to talk to my girlfriend's mom to ask permission to date her daughter but I chickened out. We've been together for almost a year, but have not been on a real date because I am too damn scared of her family. FML

Bluffed

Today, while playing poker, I lost a stack of money to somebody with the screen name "Poopface." FML

Today, I have a rash all over my face because yesterday my boyfriend broke up with me. Apparently, I am allergic to the something in the tissues with which I was blowing my nose and wiping away my tears. FML

Today, my mother-in-law grounded me because I went to the store in the "dangerous" rain. My husband says that if I don't obey then we won't work out. FML

Ew, dude

Today, I thought my boyfriend was being sweet by stroking my hair, only to discover he was getting rid of a booger. FML

Never grow old

Today, I showed my fiancé the darling Tinkerbell hoodie I'd bought myself during the weekend. Instead of liking it as I'd hoped, he told me my childish wardrobe was embarrassing, and he wasn't going to be seen in public with me until I wore something different. FML

Today, I found out what people really think about the beard I've been proudly growing for over a month. It appears that my face now looks like an unshaven ballsack. FML

Today, I woke up because I really had to pee. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and went back to bed. Or so I thought. I did pee, but I only dreamed that I got out of bed. FML

SHUT UP

Today, my extremely loud and nocturnal flatmate phoned me to tell me excitedly that he got an accordion for his birthday. FML

Today, I told my husband that after fifteen years of marriage, I wanted a divorce. His first question was whether or not he could still go on the family cruise my parents are paying for in May. FML

Today, I found out that my art project, the one I've been working on for the last two weeks and the first piece I felt really comfortable about turning in, was stolen out of the art cupboard. FML

Today, my mom told me she can't wait for me to turn eighteen so she can turn my room into a place for her to display all her antique glass dolls. FML