ivmartz

Today, I had to run a timed mile. I'm terrible at running. During the run, I thought I was doing a good job. That is, until the teacher told me to stop because I was three laps behind everyone else. FML

Today, my 6-year-old son pooped in the back yard and used a stick to throw it over the fence into my neighbor's yard. FML

Today, my roommate set her extremely loud alarm clock for 5am and continued to hit the snooze button every ten minutes until 7:30. FML

Today, I was loudly bitched out by someone for speaking in a fake British accent, to make myself "sound sophisticated". I moved here two years ago from London. FML

Today, after saving up for weeks, I bought myself an iPad. Because mine is better than the one my parents bought my ten-year-old brother, he got pissed and threw it into our pool. I'm now grounded for getting angry and calling him a bastard in the aftermath. FML

Today, the guy I'm dating came into the same restaurant where I was eating. He was with a girl. He sat at the table next to mine and didn't even bother to say, "Hi." I guess I'm single again. FML

Today, just for old time's sake, I decided to jump on my bed. I ended up hitting my head on the spinning fan and knocking myself unconscious. FML

Today, I bought professional hair clippers to shave down below, thinking it would be safer than using a razor. Let's just say the bathroom now looks like a murder scene, and it's going to be a while before I have sex again. FML

The proposal

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of two years after eating in a 5-star restaurant. She said that she wasn't ready, and that she would walk home by herself, which she did. A homeless gentleman walked up from behind me, patted me on the back, and said, "Bitches, man." I cried. FML