questionableee

Today, I turned twenty two. Three days ago I was fired. Two days ago I failed a midterm. Yesterday my boyfriend and I broke up. Happy birthday to me. FML

FML: Uncensored

Today, I was enjoying my last day of Spring Break in Panama City. I got up to dance on the stage at the Holiday Inn in front of hundreds of college kids. I tried to be sexy by turning around and bending over. My friends took pictures and my bloody tampon string was hanging out the whole time. FML

Today, I taught a high school class on public speaking. When I explained how important it was for a presentation to be polished and professional, one kid asked, "Is it professional for your skirt to be tucked into your underwear? I didn't know they made My Little Pony panties for adults." FML

Today, I found out that when my 7 year old daughter invites her friends to eat dinner with us, she charges them 3 euros for the meal and puts it in her piggy bank. FML

Today, I went to the grocery store. As I was checking out, I went to grab the same item that the cashier was reaching for. He brushed my hand. He then both watched me creepily and asked my what lotion I used to make my hands so soft. When I left, he said, "I'll dream of you." FML

Today, after ordering it four weeks ago, I finally got the expensive figurine that I'd been wanting. Also today, my brother jizzed onto it. FML

Today, I had one of my biggest dance shows ever. After months of practice I had finally gotten the lead position. When I entered the stage and raised my arms my straps fell down and I flashed an audience of 5000. FML

Today, my 21 year old daughter introduced me to her new boyfriend. I had to call him "sir" for two reasons: he's 59 and he's my boss. FML

Thanks for the info

Today, my mother told my boyfriend a cute story about me when I was little. The one where my cousin and I were caught pooping in a urinal in the church basement. FML

Lights out

Today, I was having sex with a girl and she passed out about a minute in. I panicked and thought she'd died so I tried to feel for a heartbeat. She woke up 45 seconds later and accused me of fondling her breasts while she was out. Apparently she has narcolepsy. FML

Today, while I was cooking, my dogs were messing around behind me. I suddenly felt a painful bite on my ass cheek and instinctively kicked back. I then realized it was my 3-year-old daughter, who was laying on the floor crying with a nose bleed. FML

Today, my wife and I were having sex when she suddenly stopped and said, "I just thought of a great lesson plan idea for my 3rd graders." This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

Today, I woke up to 15 texts from my mom, 6 missed calls, and with no bra or shirt on in a random guy's bed. Welcome to spring break, ladies and gentleman. FML

Today, I saw my cat licking something on the side of the road and went to check what it was. It was someone's old cigarette. I now know why she wants to be let out so often: She's addicted to nicotine. FML

Today, while chopping green chilies, I accidentally rubbed my eyes. It currently feels like Satan pissed hellfire straight into my right eye. FML

Today, my dog chewed up my $120 dildo. Goodbye, sex life. FML

Today, my husband offered to do the weekly grocery shopping. Because he has never done the shopping before, I made him a list of what we needed and other optional foods to give him an idea of what to get. He came back with a week's worth of ramen noodles and 2 litres of soda. FML

Brief encounter

Today, a guy I have been crushing on since forever finally talked to me. Too bad it happened after an anxiety attack when he carried me from class to the nurse's. The first thing he said to me when I came to was, "You're heavier than you look." FML

Today, I managed to spill Superglue on the one place you absolutely shouldn't spill Superglue. FML

Today, my babysitter told me to find a replacement, so I tried to bribe her into staying by offering her a raise. She told me that the money would be better spent on an exorcist. FML

Today, I was on a date with a guy I really like. Everything went well, and then he wanted to kiss me. As he leaned towards me, I got slightly panicky and ducked out of the way, causing him to headbutt the car behind me. Now we know why I'm still a virgin. FML

Surprise, MFer!

Today, I found out what happens when you sleep with a girl your chemistry major friend likes. He put silver nitrate in my body wash and shampoo. I look like I survived an explosion in a Sharpie factory. He says it'll come off "in a few days". FML

Today, while in deep sleep, I was suddenly awoken by a tickle on my face and nearly threw my cat off the bed. Apparently, 4 a.m. Is the perfect time to touch noses with your human. FML