EpicMayonnaise

Today, while arm wrestling with my boyfriend, I had to pretend he beat me. FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by tossing the ring at me and saying "Here, wear this." FML

Today, after eating out with my boyfriend, we went for a drive, but ended up getting into an argument. I reached back to grab my bag and storm out of the car. He thought I was trying to take the restaurant's doggy bag and lunged at me. My boyfriend would rather save chicken than our relationship. FML

Today, I realized that as a U.S. Marine in the infantry, I'm more afraid to talk to girls than I am of getting shot at. FML

Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML

Today, I walked in on my new college roommate holding his cock. He said "Hi I'm Jeffrey, and this is Jeffrey junior" while directing attention towards his penis. It's going to be a long semester. FML

Today, I got a text message from a number I don't know saying, "I'm sorry, but I'm cheating on you, I couldn't do this in person because you're ugly when you cry." I haven't had a relationship in 6 years and I still manage to get dumped. FML