whoskarina

Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML

Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn't home since I couldn't bear to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML

Thanks, I feel better

Today, my dad took me to play golf to relieve the stress of recovering from a bad concussion. While teaching me to swing, he hit me in the head. FML

Today, I tried skydiving for the first time. The professional I was attached to had a boner the whole way down. FML

Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed. All I can remember is crying to my mom because I thought spoons were taking over the world. FML

Today, a schoolmate I've always secretly hated came over to my place to hang out. She found her way to my room and instantly noticed my dartboard, which I'd taped a picture of her face onto. FML

This is mine

Today, I bought a new beanbag chair. My cat thought it was a great scratcher and I now have thousands of tiny plastic balls around the house. He decided those looked yummy, and now the scent of vomit and plastic is awful. FML

Sneaky

Today, I caught a customer using his fat to shoplift gum out of a store. FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend in the missionary position. Once again, our cat decided to crawl onto his back and stare at me. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided he's asexual and dumped me on the spot. FML

Higher than the sun

Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into a joint and smoke it. FML

Today, I took my girlfriend for what I thought would be a romantic horse-drawn carriage ride. We didn't expect the horse to die in the middle of it. FML

High tension

Today, I strained so hard while on the toilet that I gave myself a nosebleed. FML