Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML
Today, whilst having sex, my husband screamed out a man's name. FML
Today, my parents, not trusting me and my boyfriend, told us to call them in the middle of our movie so they could hear it, and prove we weren't up to no good. Well, I called. Just as a raging sex scene started. FML
Today, I went to the park and sat down on a bench to enjoy my coffee. I heard a few young girls behind me talking about how their first experience of sex was. I turned around to see how old these girls really were. One of them was my daughter. FML
Today, at my job as a cashier, a very old man came through my checkout. His purchase consisted of a box of condoms and a can of whipped cream. The creepy smile he gave me has scarred me for life. FML
Today, I found out the girl I gave my virginity to gave me gonorrhea. FML
Today, I discovered that the demonic voice that made me nearly piss myself last night was my sister's Furby that she'd stuck in the closet. FML
Today, I discovered that my Facebook profile picture, of me between my boyfriend and a friend, is actually me between my boyfriend and the girl he has been cheating on me with. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he was taking me out to eat to his favorite restaurant. He said I could order whatever I wanted and he'd pay for it. He took me to Red Lobster, knowing full well that I'm allergic to seafood. FML
Today, it's official, we measured. My boyfriend's manboobs are bigger than my breasts. FML
Today, I was awoken by my neighbor pounding on my back door at 3 am, only to look outside and see my car engulfed in flames. FML
Today, I discovered that I'm short enough to be legally considered a midget. My daughter now wants to bring me to school for show and tell. FML
Today, I decided to improve my posture by sitting through all of my classes with my shoulders and back completely straight. Pretty soon I couldn't move my shoulders at all. I had to go to the chiropractor. It turns out that in trying to improve my posture, I misaligned my spine instead. FML
Today, I found out that if you cry yourself sleep and forget to take off your mascara, your top and bottom lashes will stick together. Leaving you unable to open your eyes. FML
Today, I learned why my credit score is so low. My mom stole my identity almost three years ago. Her excuse? "You didn't need good credit for anything anyways". FML
Today, a little boy called me, crying that "Grandma died" in a broken voice. I just didn't have the heart to say, "Wrong number." FML
Today, I was walking with my crush, and I told him how I felt. As soon as I turned to him, a bird shit on my face. FML
Today, the seat in my car broke and wouldn't move forward. I had to walk to school in the rain because I was too short to reach the pedals. FML
Today, I was texting a girl I like. Every message she sent came ten minutes after I sent her a message. When I told her, "I've to go", she responded almost instantly with an, "OK, bye." FML
Today, I was fired from the trucking company I work for, due to numerous complaints about my reckless driving. I don't even do driving work there, but my ex keeps calling in to report me, and my boss wanted the calls to stop. FML
Today, a cop rear-ended me. Then I received a ticket from him for driving too far under the speed limit. We were in a school zone. FML
Today, I had to wait an hour in the awful rain for my mom to pick me up, because she didn't realize the clocks had gone forward already. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded by asking for a blowjob. FML
Today, I showed my colleagues how I could switch on my webcam at home from the office. That's how we all found out my wife is cheating on me. FML
Today, I had a violent coughing fit while at the store, which caused a lady to think I was choking, grab me from behind and start doing the Heimlich maneuver incorrectly. She broke two of my ribs. FML
Today, my father came over to my house. I realized there were condoms on the table, so I subtly moved a vase to hide them. He then gave me an unamused look and said, "I know you have sex. You've been married for nine years. Grow the fuck up, dumbass." FML
Today, someone rear-ended me while I was on my way home. I was extremely upset and I called my boyfriend for comfort and to help inspect the damage. After taking a good look at the car, he said, "Damn, if only you fucked this hard." FML
Today, my dad cussed out an individual on the phone because he thought it was a telemarketer. He was my Indian girlfriend's father. FML
Today, I found out that when I orgasm, my increased heart rate causes me to pass out. I also found out my boyfriend doesn't stop when I'm unconscious. FML
Today, at the Mommy and Me dance class that I take my four year old daughter to, the instructor had us do a stretch, telling us to pretend we're mermaids. My daughter said to me, "But you're not a mermaid, you're a whale!" FML
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