ballerchickk15

Today, my 18 year old son asked me to check if there were any monsters under his bed. FML

Today, I wandered around my property with my children, trying to find our escaped house cat. While in the more wooded parts, we spotted her on the ground, being picked over by a coyote. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that he feels empty inside when I'm not in the kitchen. This is the most romantic thing he has said to me in the past two years. FML

Menace 2 society

Today, my future mother-in-law started shit-talking me on Facebook, and we got into a heated argument. She called me later in the day, saying I'll be lucky if I ever marry her son and that, "You'll suffer to your last breath." I'm now terrified to set foot outside. FML

Today, my wife posted on Facebook, "FUCK THA POLICE!" She got 40 likes. I'm a police officer. FML

WTF are you doing in here?

Today, I drove into a cluster of dustbins thanks to my dozy cat who'd managed to get into my car, fall asleep, and wake up while I was driving to work. I lost control when I was startled by him staring at me in the rear-view mirror. FML

Today, I turned on the news to see a live report about an increase in crime in my town. One minute in, my drunk daughter appears behind the news reporter, butt naked, dancing. FML

Today, a man crashed into my car. He then got out of his car, dug a toothbrush and toothpaste out of his bag, and tried to brush away the damage. FML

Today, I got really bored so I posted on Facebook "Someone should kidnap me for the day." My mom commented, "The only things willing to kidnap you are aliens, and that would be because they'd mistaken you for a cow." 16 people liked her comment. FML

Today, I fell and sprained my ankle while trying to step into my underwear. FML

Get outta here

Today, I found out that if a jock calls you a nerd in the street and you retaliate with a witty comeback, be prepared to run. Fast. FML

Today, I had a swollen knee, and was slowly limping to the toilet. All of a sudden, my mom ran past me, beating me to it. As she closed the door, she said, "AT LEAST I CAN RUN!" FML

Today, I made a drunken bet with friends that I could pour lighter fluid on my hands, light it, and shake it out before I got burned. I lost. FML

Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed so hard that I smacked my head against the faucet. I now have a lump the size of a goose egg on my head. I'm not sure if it's going to hatch, or if that's just the brain damage talking. FML

Nice try, bozo

Today, some guy hit my car and then threatened to sue me for "parking my car in such a way that it was impossible not to hit it." My car was in the driveway. FML

Today, I realized that I probably have anger issues. I came to this conclusion after I finished screaming abuse at the microwave for beeping before I could hit the off switch. FML

Today, I got a text from my mom saying, "I heard the cupcake store got robbed. Where are you?" Then she texted back, "Oh never mind, they wanted money, not cupcakes. It wasn't you." Very funny, Mom. FML

Downhill

Today, I visited the doctor. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML

The Office 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I found out that my desk is perfectly placed so that my boss can shoot me with a Nerf gun from his office. FML

Today, I learned that it doesn't matter how good you've screwed a satellite dish onto the side of your house, it won't stop the wind the ripping it off and taking half the wall with it. FML

Today, I got scared by my own leg fat. FML

Today, I cut myself while shaving my globes. My girlfriend now refuses to stop teasing me about being "fisted by Edward Scissorhands." FML

Today, while I was eating lunch at work, I practically had a panic attack because I'd forgotten to feed my Neopet. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I agreed to tell her parents that she's pregnant. When they started freaking out, instead of dealing with the situation maturely, she went into straight-up denial and said, "It's okay, I'm not the mom." FML

Today, a little girl looked at me and yelled "Mommy look, there's a real leprechaun!" FML

Time consumed

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML

Today, while I was cuddling with my girlfriend, she looked at me and leaned in. Thinking she was going to kiss me, I leaned too. Just as we were about to kiss, she screamed "COW KISSES" and somehow managed to lick my eyeball. FML

Today, I found out that when my girlfriend said she gave up sex for lent, it was just with me and not my brother. FML

Today, I found out my 12 year old daughter is going through a bit of an "emotional" stage. I got a call from her school saying she was sitting in the corner at recess trying to cut her wrist. With a plastic spoon. FML

Today, my ex-husband officially became my stepdad. FML