Megpie1991

Today, my little brother, who is 11, explained to me how babies are made. I’m 15. FML

Today, they finally took my braces off. 7 hours later I fell off my bike and chipped my tooth. FML

Walked into that one

Today, I told a friend that he looked smarter with his glasses on. He took them off and said, "Oh, and now you look more handsome." FML

Mystery man

Today, as I was taking my three year-old daughter home from daycare, she asked where her daddy was. I tried to tell her that I was her father, but she answered, "No, not you! My other daddy!" I've got some talking to do tonight. FML

Today, I've just lost over £12,000 and it's not even halfway through the trading day. FML

Today, I had a barbecue. My boss won't believe me tomorrow when I tell him that the main pages of his 2-months worth of work file helped make the best sausages I've ever cooked. FML

Today, my boyfriend doesn't know if he should break up with me because he loves me too much, or to stay with me and make me suffer. I have no clue as to what's going on in his head. FML

Today, I babysat a four year-old kid, so his parents could go out to party. Once in bed, he yelled, "I want to go party!" After three or four times, I told him to go to sleep. Two hours later, he'd wet the bed, saying, "I told you I want to go potty!" FML

Today, my ex-girlfriend told me that she can't live without me, but she has another boyfriend. FML

Today, I was in a nightclub with my girlfriend when a beautiful woman looked at me in the most provocative way. I didn't want to upset my girlfriend, so I escaped to the bar. When I came back, I saw the same girl making out with my girlfriend. Maybe I wasn't the one she was looking at. FML

Today, I'm on holiday, but my alarm clock isn't. It rang at 6 o'clock. FML

Today, my boyfriend came up with this thrillingly romantic proposal: “I’m paying way too much income tax. How about we get married?” FML

Today, I’m starting my 28th year with 28 cents on my bank account. FML

Today, while on holiday in England, a cute boy came up and asked where I'm from. When I said Paris, he gave a look and said, "Oh, strange, I always thought Parisians were the most beautiful women in the world." FML

Self improvement

Today, my wisdom teeth decided to come in. I didn't know that being wise could hurt so much. FML

Today, during a never-ending dinner with really boring friends, I faked being tired and told my husband, "Let’s go honey, we have a long way to drive home." He looks at me and says, "Well… we are at home." FML

Today, I realized that my ex has REALLY dumped me for a video game. And he will not change his mind. FML

With friends like these…

Today, I found out my "best friends" have gone on a crazy weekend and they didn't invite me. FML

Today, thinking that I was alone at work, I started rummaging through my nose, trying to find something interesting. It was only after about a minute that I noticed that my boss was looking straight at me. FML

Today, I crawled into bed at 2 in the morning. At 6 am, the telephone rang, waking me up. It was a wrong number. FML

Today, I dropped my keys in the drain. Thankfully, my new flat mate generously offered his help to reach the keys via flower pot. FML

Today, on my first day at a new job, my boss asked how old I was. I replied, "Eighteen." She responded that she was my age thirty years ago, which makes her the same age as my mum. When I told her, she gave me a puzzled look, so I repeated myself. She was my age thirteen years ago, not thirty. FML

Today, I went to have a drink with my friend. On the way I withdrew 20 bucks and when I arrived at the bar I realised I had taken my credit card but not the banknote. FML

Wrong number

Today, for the 25th time, some Indian dude called my cell phone asking for 'Pinkie'. I don't know who the hell Pinkie is, but I don't appreciate people calling wrong numbers while I'm having sex. FML

Today, everyone thought that I was the one who farted in the lift. FML

Thanks Mom

Today, my mum was watching a program about sexually transmitted diseases. Later on, she started telling me that I should be careful and use the right protection when having sex. Suddenly she stopped and said, "Actually, I don’t know why I’m telling you this, you don’t have a boyfriend!" FML

Today, whilst brushing my teeth, I fell asleep, poking myself in the eye with my toothbrush. FML

Today, my 6-year-old son said to me, "You smell nice daddy." Surprised but flattered, I thanked him. He then added, "I like the smell of cheese!'" FML

Today, to my delight I discover that there is security camera in the storage room at my work. The same room where, two days ago I masturbated. FML

Today, I gave my son a bollocking for losing a very important paper that I needed for work. I've just found it in my right pocket. FML