Salvikidd

Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML

Today, the ex-girlfriend I'm still in love with sent me an old picture with the caption, "I miss us." She looked beautiful and happy. Too bad I'm not the guy she's kissing in the picture. FML

Today, I wore a Super Mario Brothers T-shirt to school that showed a picture of Mario with a mushroom above his head. I got suspended for "referencing illegal drugs". FML

Sketchy

Today, some friends and I were pulled over on our way back from a party. We'd had a few drinks, so we tried to play it cool just in case we were over the limit. The cop didn't seem to want to breathalyze us, until my really high friend in the backseat said, "These are not the droids you are looking for." FML

Today, I told my parents that I wanted to donate blood. My dad helpfully interjected, "Sorry, they don't accept blood from gingers." FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were preparing for the arrival of Hurricane Sandy. I tasked him with going out to buy emergency groceries in case we lose power. He returned with dozens of microwave cup noodles. We're going to starve. FML