sexandpeace

Today, while driving my kids to school, my son said, "Why don't you find another place to live, so we can just live with daddy?" Then my daughter added, "Yeah, 'cause we LOVE Daddy." FML

Low blow

Today, we sparred for Tae Kwon Do. I forgot my cup, but I didn't think anyone sucked enough to hit me below the belt. Five seconds into a match, some girl knees me in the Hacky Sacks. After writhing in pain for 30 seconds, I got back up to spar. I didn't think she sucked enough to do it again. She did. FML

Code pink

Today, I was working at a grocery store when a couple of my co-workers called a code pink in aisle 22, which means there was an attractive woman in that aisle. After hearing about how hot she was, I went over to see her for myself. It was my mom. FML

Today, I was at the mall with some friends. In the food court we passed by this creepy pervert feeling up a woman. I take a closer look and realize with horror that the guy is my dad in sunglasses and a hat. The lady he was with was not my mom. FML

Today, after I bathed my nine month old, I laid her on my bed to grab a diaper. I turned around to see that she'd peed on my comforter. I then put her in her playpen to put my cover in the wash. I came back into the room to get her, and saw she'd taken off her diaper. She'd crapped in her playpen. FML

Today, I auditioned for my school's production of Romeo and Juliet. When they announced that I got the part as Juliet, all the guys auditioning for Romeo suddenly disappeared. FML

Today, I decided to formally introduce my girlfriend to my parents. My dad took the opportunity to apologize for walking in on us a few days ago while we were having sex. It wasn't her. Thanks dad. FML

Today, I found out how my parents met. They met at a mental hospital, where they were both being hospitalized. FML

Today, it was my wedding day. When my soon-to-be-husband was saying his vows, he didn't say my name. He said his mother's. FML

Today, I had to explain to my teacher that Czechoslovakia is no longer a country. She kicked me out of class when she found out I was right. FML

Today, I ran into my sister, who nobody in the family has seen in six years. She looked very happy working the pole. FML

Today, my crazy psychopath of a neighbor sent me an email with the subject, "So, about your sex life." I've been sitting here for 20 minutes staring at it because I'm too scared to open it. FML

Today, I overheard my parents fighting about who has been the most loyal. I found out my Dad has cheated twice, and is still the most faithful of the two. FML

Today, in class, I reached into my bag to pull out a tampon, which I hid under my sleeve so I could make a quick escape to the restroom. My teacher yelled at me, because she thought I'd taken out my phone. I then had to prove myself by showing the tampon to the whole class. FML

What just happened?

Today, I went to a club with my girlfriend and her buddies. An hour in, I saw her making out with a guy on the dance floor, so I confronted her. She stormed off to the bar and said something to her friend, who then came over and angrily slapped me across the face. Yeah, I'm confused too. FML

Today, the company I was fired from three years ago merged with the company I work at now. The new owners' first order of business was to fire me again. FML

Entraide du soir

Aujourd'hui, j'ai découvert le moyen ultime de rencontrer tous mes voisins du dessous : une inondation ! Il n'y a pas à dire, une serpillière-party entre 23 h et minuit, ça crée des liens ! VDM

Aujourd'hui, premier jour de travail dans un parc aquatique. J'étais toute contente jusqu'à ce que je découvre ma tenue : un maillot de bain une pièce rouge. Je suis blonde platine, cheveux très longs, je mesure 1,75 m et j'ai une forte poitrine. Les deux mois vont être longs... VDM

C'est pas faux

Aujourd'hui, je regarde Narnia et, lorsque l'une des héroïnes parle à l'arbre, je lance : "Ma pauvre, tu parles à un arbre !" Et mon copain de répondre : "Et toi à une télé…" VDM