Mademoiselle 37 ans En couple
Today, I fell asleep in history class. I was dreaming about my history teacher. When I woke up everyone stared at me rather weirdly and the teacher wasn't there. Turns out I was moaning my history teachers name through my sleep. FML
Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML
Today, I found out that my best friend lost her virginity to my father. Her excuse? She was drunk. His excuse? "She's hot." FML
Today, my husband said that when we have sex he almost gets as excited as he does when he gets a chopper gunner on Black Ops. FML
Today, while I was in my room sleeping, my little brother deemed it necessary to come in and drop a book on my face. When I sat up with a now bloody nose, he looked at me, pointed, and said "You've just been Facebooked" and ran away giggling. FML
Today, I made the discovery that I'm in a true love triangle; both of my girlfriends are dating one another. FML
Today, I woke up after a night out drinking on my sofa, with an electric dog collar around my neck, and handcuffs on my wrists. The keys were on the other side of the invisible doggy fence. FML
Today, I showed my colleagues how I could switch on my webcam at home from the office. That's how we all found out my wife is cheating on me. FML
Today, I promised my boyfriend a blow job every time he does the dishes. Every dish in the house has been washed three times already. FML
Today, I watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, thinking "wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I'd been watching my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes. FML
Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 1 month came over and told me she wanted to talk to me. We sat down on the couch and she told me she was pregnant and that it was mine. I reminded her that we've never slept together. FML
Today, I noticed my hidden porn folder on my laptop had been renamed to "LOL". I live with my teenage daughter, and no one else. FML
Today, I was at the park with my daughter. She walked up to a boy at the swings, held her hand out, and said, "Hi I'm Vanessa, and someday you'll be working for me." FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML
Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML
Today, I asked the girl I like to send me "yummy pictures." I got a picture of cheesecake. FML
Today, my 5 year old fish died. As I was flushing him, he started swimming again. FML
Today, someone broke into my car just to steal the freshly baked cookies in the back seat. They also left a thank you note. FML
Today, I asked my Dad if it was true that my mother had a C-section at my birth. He replied "Yeah, so technically you weren't even born, you were surgically removed, like a tumor." FML
Today, I found out that the double spacing format in an essay refers to the space between each line, not the words. I've been pressing the space bar twice between each word all through high school and halfway through college. FML
Today, a man punched me for sleeping with his wife. Bewildered, I insisted I would never sleep with a married woman, to which he retorted, "She wasn't my wife when it HAPPENED, dumbass!" I was assaulted for sleeping with my own girlfriend three years ago. FML
Today, after a long bike-ride home, I thought my roommate was being a douche and holding the door shut to our apartment. After about ten minutes of shoulder-slamming and name calling, I discovered that I just wasn't turning the key all the way, which I found out when my roomie came home. FML
Today, my new coworker asked if I knew her daughter. I responded yes and asked how her pregnancy was going. She didn't know her daughter was pregnant. FML
Today, the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with posted pics of them kissing on Facebook, and tagged me in them. FML
Today, I took my friend with me for a radiology scan. While I was getting injections, my friend muttered, "On the bright side, if you die, you'll glow in the dark at the funeral." FML
Today, I awoke to rose petals leading me to the front garden. Curious, I followed them, thinking my boyfriend planned something romantic. As I walked out the door, I was hit in the face with a paper plate full of whipped cream and sprinkles, and then locked outside. FML
Today, my mom took a bright red sharpie and drew a red circle just above my breasts. She said, "If I can see this, ever, your shirt is either too low cut or too see through and it will be thrown away." FML
Today, for the first time, I beat my brother in a game of CoD. Not being a gamer, I was ecstatic. Later, when I was in the shower, my brother snuck in the bathroom, yelled "Napalm strike!" and threw our cat over the shower curtain like a furry grenade from hell. FML
Today, I tried to hint to my husband that we needed a new washing machine. I mentioned that we got our current one way back on our wedding day. He replied, "Yeah, and I got you too." FML
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