themindartist

Today, I cut myself on a band-aid box, while trying to get one out for another cut. FML

Got em

Today, my mother told me she was going out of town this weekend. I reassured her that I would not throw a party. She replied, "Oh, like you have enough friends to do that?" FML

Today, I was walking along the street and passed a young couple. Over my shoulder I heard the girl say to her boyfriend, "Would you still love me if I looked like her?" FML

What the…?

Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. After I knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized, only to hear my girlfriend's voice call from the background, "Baby, who's there?" FML

Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML

Romance is dead

Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him by handing me a ring and telling me, "Okay we're engaged now." I should have seen it coming when we started dating, I went to his house one night and as I was leaving he said, "Okay you're my girlfriend now." FML

Today, I was watching Free Willy with my boyfriend. It was at the part where the boy leaned into the water to give Willy a hug. I asked, "How do you even hug a whale?" My boyfriend rolled over and gave me a hug, and said, "Like this." FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and after 10 seconds he gave up and said "This is more tiring than I expected". FML

Please don't do that

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He suddenly pulled away, goes, "OMNOMNOMNOM" then continued kissing me. FML

Today, I was talking to my crush on MSN. She was telling me how her friend had passed away recently. I had two chats open and accidentally replied, "That's hilarious." FML

Today, I noticed that the walls of my apartment are ridiculously thin, when I heard my neighbor slowly walk up the stairs, slam the bathroom door, lift the toilet cover, take a pee and end with a nice "AAHH." FML

Today, after getting rear ended by a car, I texted my husband to let him know I was in the hospital. His response? "I'm at Taco Bell." FML

Today, my husband bleached his hair so, "our future kids will have blond hair too." I'm already married to this guy. FML

Today, my dad insisted on having a family movie night. He chose the movies Jaws and Mayday. I'm going on a diving expedition tomorrow. FML

Today, I bought my first iPhone. Today, I broke my first iPhone. FML

Today, my dad sat me down for a talk. After the talk, he wasn't my dad anymore. FML

Today, my boyfriend's mother introduced me as his "friend". We've been together for 10 years. FML

Bad vibes

Today, I finally realized how depressed I am when I found bubble wrap and didn't feel like popping it. FML

Today, as my boyfriend and I were getting hot in the bedroom, he stopped right before he entered me and said, "Knock knock!" He refused to continue until I replied, "Come in." FML

Nomnom

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. He definitely killed the mood when, while down there, he started saying, "Nomnomnomnom." FML

Today, during a conversation, my boss said, "What, what?" Before I could stop myself, I replied, "In the butt." FML

Today, I had a presentation in French class. I was so nervous, the first thing I said when I got up there was, "Hola." FML

Weirdo

Today, I smiled at a new kid and started a conversation with him, just to be nice. He later sent me 24 messages describing how strong his love for me is. I'm scared to go to school tomorrow. FML

Pipe down

Today, I started a new job. I'm now trapped in a small office with a woman who says, "Oh my gravy!" constantly. In response to everything. FML

Minor threat

Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I'm now afraid to argue with her. FML

Upon reflection

Today, my boyfriend of six years proposed to me. Less than three hours later, he panicked and made me give the ring back. FML

Today, in the "end-of-the-world" spirit, I asked my boyfriend to marry me. His response was, "It's really windy out." FML

In case you haven’t noticed, I'm weird. I’m a weirdo. I don't fit in

Today, a woman at work was complaining about her weight. She looked pretty thin, so to make her feel better I said that she looked small. She said, "Well, you haven't seen me naked." For some reason, I replied, "Not that you know of." FML

Excuuuuuuse me?

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I was getting pretty horny, and I thought some dirty talk would turn him on. Amid my panting, I breathed the words, "Fuck me." He then stopped and said, "Excuse me, I don't like hearing that language." and wouldn't continue until I corrected myself. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I felt down, so I laid in bed and told my parents I needed some alone time. A couple of minutes later, one of them started blasting "All by Myself" so loud that I felt the floorboards vibrate. FML