stompic

Today, I got really bored so I posted on Facebook "Someone should kidnap me for the day." My mom commented, "The only things willing to kidnap you are aliens, and that would be because they'd mistaken you for a cow." 16 people liked her comment. FML

Rated

Today, it was the only time in my life that I have ever received an A+ for something. Thank you, eBay buyer. FML

Today, my parents told me that I will grow up to be a criminal, living on the streets, on drugs. All this because I took the last chocolate egg. FML

Today, I was stopped and searched by a cop, and he quickly found the bag of weed in my pocket. He didn't arrest or fine me, but he did confiscate my weed and told me to "get lost." Pretty sure I just got legally mugged. FML

Lower your expectations

Today, a guy asked me out and said he was going to take me to a fancy restaurant where they make the food in front of you. I love Japanese food, so I was really excited. We went to Subway. FML

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years texted me saying "I can't wait to f*ck later." I replied saying, "Couldn't we just spend time together?" Her response was, "What are you, a girl?" FML

Today, my wife actually had the balls to tell me that we can't have sex for the rest of her nine month pregnancy, because according to her, "I don't want twins." FML

We should do this again some time

Today, I came home from work to find a burglar in my house. He then said that he was just leaving, and went back out of the broken window. FML

Today, my boyfriend was over. I asked my dad how long until dinner was ready, his reply was, "Five minutes, so no, you can't go upstairs for a quickie". FML

Today, my little brother got his crush to go out with him by impressing her with his level 500 FarmVille. This is the next generation. FML

Today, during the early hours, I got hungry and went to grab something to eat. I entered the kitchen, only to see my stark-naked dad sitting at the table, eating cereal and reading the paper. He just nodded at me and said, "Son." I think I need a new pair of eyes. FML

Today, I saw my mom changing the expiry date on milk. She genuinely thought this would make the milk sour later. FML

Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML

Today, my husband of five years left me for a woman ten years older than himself who lives nine hours away. He met her online two weeks ago while playing Call of Duty. FML

Not amused

Today, a one-eyed drunken homeless man followed me around the store I work at, screaming at me because I turned down his sexual advances. My managers and coworkers wouldn't kick him out because they thought it was funny. FML