luffare97

Today, my mom was put in jail for beating the shit out of my dad. FML

Today, I taught my friend how to use a staple gun. She taught me how to get staples out of my hand. FML

You what now?

Today, while at work, a man grabbed my beard, said it was impressive, and then uttered the words, "I love you." FML

Today, my wife woke me up by giving my erect penis a Chinese burn. FML

Today, I accidentally adopted a dolphin for $125. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I was really close to climaxing, when he suddenly stopped, smirked, and said, "Hang on, I'm buffering." FML

Today, I had to collect my daughter from the hospital. Her boyfriend was even more upset than she was, because his iPhone's screen was damaged beyond repair when the doctor pulled it out of my daughter's vagina. FML

Today, I woke up from a sexy dream about my boyfriend. Too bad I'd fallen asleep in my living room with my whole family over, grandma included. They were all staring. I'd been sleep humping and moaning. FML

Today, I had to have a long and awkward meeting with my boss. It wouldn't have been too awkward though, if I didn't have to avoid staring at her exposed breast whilst she fed her 8 week old baby. FML