Mademoiselle Célibataire
Today, my mom called me a "useless spoiled brat" because I refused to drive my sister across the city just to buy flavored gelatin. I've had Amoebic Dysentery for 3 days now and need constant bathroom access. FML
Today, I was on a date with my boyfriend when he suddenly got down on one knee and proposed. A waiter tripped over him and spilled our food all over him. FML
Today, my drunk brother told me he has an incest fetish. FML
Today, I was bringing the garbage cans inside and noticed one felt a little heavy. I opened it, only to find a raccoon. A very angry raccoon. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through charades. FML
Today, my husband told my 5-year-old daughter that if I swallowed a watermelon seed, I would get pregnant. Tonight, she dropped one in my mouth while I was asleep. FML
Today, I had to remove a splinter from one of my roommates. This would have been better if the splinter wasn't deeply lodged in their asscheek. FML
Today, after moving to the big city, and missing the natural world from my tiny, 10th floor apartment, I bought a window bird feeder. Within half an hour, it had fallen off, landed on, and killed a pigeon. FML
Today, a customer left their shopping cart behind their car and backed into it. She then came inside and threatened to sue me personally for not sending someone to collect it from where she left it. After 5 minutes of her yelling, I finally got a word in edgeways: I don't work there. FML
Today, I pulled a girl out of the way of a car. She yelled at me because I made her drop her phone, which then got run over. FML
Today, I spent two hours convincing my 3-year-old son that he can't poop on his 4-month-old brother out of retaliation for the baby pooping on him. He did it anyway. FML
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