Ac4life

Today, I went on a date with a girl. She drove while texting someone, then stopped at a house and told me to wait in the car. She left her phone so I looked at the last text and it said, "I'm here for the quicky." Our "date" was a decoy to throw her mom off so she could sleep with another guy. FML

So… good news, or…?

Today, my girlfriend called and said she had great news. Turns out I've cured her of that illness she gets every month. FML

Today, my 14-year-old daughter told me she's pregnant and plans on dropping out of school to live a life on the road with her boyfriend. FML