Compliqué
Today, my 6 year old daughter somehow learned about sex. She also had the open house at her school where she meets her new teachers. When the teacher asked where she came from, she said, "My daddy's happy sacks." FML
Today, my brother thought it would be funny to pretend my tampons were "dynamite" and run around the house throwing them at my friends and family. FML
Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML
Today, I got my laptop back after waiting weeks for it to be fixed. It turns out that they didn't fix it; they dusted it off, held it for a few days, and sent it back. FML
Today, I learned why one should never insert a tampon after squeezing lemons. FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why period blood couldn't be saved and donated to the hospital for transplants. FML
Today, my iPhone got back from being fixed. When I opened the box there was a note attached to my phone that said, "All you had to do was turn it on." FML
Today, I asked my husband if he knew what day it was. His answer was, "Garbage day?" It's our six-year anniversary. FML
Today, while in the store with my kids, they wanted to buy tampons because I am "getting cranky, and it should be that time of the month." FML
Today, I finally lost my virginity, all while in the passionate throes of an asthma attack. FML
Today, while getting ready to go to bed, I told my boyfriend that I feel depressed due to the lack of intimacy in our relationship. His response was to roll over, fall asleep, and send a deadly fart my way. FML
Today, I took my 2-year-old son to the ear doctor, since he'd stopped responding whenever I call him. The doctor told me that his ears are just fine. He's just ignoring me. FML
Today, I had an ovarian cyst rupture at work, causing sudden severe stomach cramps; this caused my bowels to release everything right then and there, while on the phone with a customer, in the middle of the call center surrounded by 200 other sales reps. FML
Today, I went to dinner with an amazing guy. At the end he said he had to go to the washroom. 15 min later he was still MIA, so I figured he'd ditched me with the bill. I paid and left. 10 min later he texted me, asking where I was. Turns out he hadn't ditched me. He was having "stomach issues." FML
Today, I went to the store to buy some new shirts. I tried them on and none of them fit. When I walked out to return the shirts, everybody was staring at me. I looked down to see why. I'd forgotten to put my original shirt back on. FML
Today, my girlfriend decided it would be hilarious if she pulled a prank on me, so she did the classic "bucket of water on a door" one. I ended up getting stitches and a concussion on my birthday. FML
Today, I went to a corner store to restock my chocolate stash. A guy from work walked in to see me and the cashier arguing about the amount of candy I was trying to buy with a jar of pennies. He took one look at me and said, "That time of the month, eh?" FML
Today, I started my new job, and was introduced to my colleague. She seemed old and quite experienced, so I thought she was going to teach me. I was wrong. It turns out I'm a replacement for her daughter, who used to secretly do all of her work for her because she has no idea how to do it herself. FML
Today, I received my best compliment of the year so far when an ER doctor commented positively on the clarity of my urine sample. FML
Today, I woke up to find my cat has gone into heat. Her favorite thing to do right now is sticking her ass in my face and howling like a Nazgûl. FML
Today, I was walking to the movie theatre with my boyfriend, when three guys muscled over and told us to hand over our phones. My boyfriend didn't waste any time pushing past me and running like hell, leaving me in tears and almost having a panic attack. FML
Today, my 17-year-old daughter's friend told her that superglue works well as lip gloss. She tried it. FML
Today, I was upset over a recent break up. It showed while I was at work, and I made a customer sad just by looking blue. She complained to my manager. I got written up for being so depressed that I got a customer depressed too. FML
Today, I found out that the only reason my guy friends actually hang out with me at my house all the time is because they think my mom is hot. FML
Today, I wanted to take a romantic bath with my boyfriend. I set up the candles and hot water, but I had to take a dump. After my business was done, I called him into the bath. He walks in, sniffs, glances at the toilet and leaves. Guess what I forgot to flush. FML
Today, I got a root canal. It wouldn't have been that bad if the dentist hadn't performed it on the wrong tooth. FML
Today, I was babysitting three kids, one of whom was particularly difficult to control. While trying to get him to behave, the two girls came up behind me and pulled my pants down. In front of a huge window open to the street below. FML
Today, as I sat down for my flight, I realised that the passenger I had to sit next to for the next seven hours was wearing a necklace made from tampon packaging. FML
Today, while watching the Olympics, my father found it completely necessary to make a farting sound every single time an athlete jumps or bends over. This will be a very long few weeks. FML
Today, I tried to explain to my daughter why she couldn’t have a sleepover with her boyfriend yet. She said, "If you're so worried about me having sex, then you failed as a father because I've already banged four guys." FML
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