YourPunkPrincess

Today, after not receiving my paycheck for over a month, I confronted my boss about it. His response? "You still work here?" FML

Pile on

Today, I saw a turtle on the road so I swerved, and hit a tree. The people behind me then hit the turtle. FML

Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently crazy and thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her husband. She watches me and is super paranoid. I have a two year lease. FML

Today, I took my mom to Victoria's Secret to help her find a bra. She made me try one on to see if it looked good on me. Turns out we have the same cup size. I'm a guy. FML

Today, I was walking down the street to go to the movies, when I got punched in the back of the head. When I turned around, a stranger said, "HAHA! It's punch a random person day!" When I asked him why he chose me, he replied "You're ugly." FML

Today, I was hanging out with a guy that I really like. When he gave me a hug goodbye, he slid his hand into the back pocket of my jeans. It was glorious until I farted on his hand. FML

Face it!

Today, my best friend told me to face my fear of cows and hop over the fence in with them. This resulted in me being chased by a raging cow, and thrusting myself head first over a fence. FML

Today, my mother started dating a man who insists people call him 'Panda'. FML

Today, I went to a concert with a friend of mine. When his dad came to pick him up, I walked towards the car, expecting a ride. His dad told me he didn't have time to drive me home. I'm his neighbour. FML

Leave me alone

Today, I awoke to banging at my door. It was my neighbor, accusing me of stealing her mail to spy on her, because apparently she thinks I must be some sort of secret agent. The cops don't believe me when I call, and she won't go away. FML

Headshot

Today, I was walking down the street hand in hand with my girlfriend. I couldn't help but stare at a gorgeous girl as she bent down to pick something up. It was such a great sight, I didn't notice the metal telephone pole directly in my path. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me on my Facebook wall. 27 people liked it. FML

Today, I'm staying with my mother for a week. Every time I eat something, she tells me that it's "swimsuit season" and that I need to eat less. Every time I say I'm not hungry, she panics and insists I have an eating disorder. I can't win. FML

Brief encounter

Today, I got a nose bleed in the ladies bathroom. An old lady comes out of a stall and says, "Oh, your nose is bleeding. Well I shit my pants. I'm sure it'll come out in the wash." FML

Today, I couldn't shut a drawer in my kitchen, because an oven mitt was blocking it. An oven mitt filled with tin-foil wrapped electronics. My Mom believes Internet hackers can get into her digital camera and prepaid cell phone, and apparently tin-foil will prevent that. FML

Culture wars

Today, my dad told my little brother that Tokyo is in China. This is the same guy who yells at me every time I get a "B" on a report card. FML

Today, my new neighbor informed me with great relish that the house I have just bought is haunted because 30 years ago a man shot himself in the kitchen. I'm now paying a huge mortgage on a house I'm frightened to be alone in. FML

Today, my neighbour's boiler broke and flooded his home. To solve the problem, the water company shut off the neighbourhood's water supply while they fixed his boiler. I am now unable to shower, and I smell like a zoo animal. FML

Today, I walked in on my father and brother attempting to harmonize their farts. FML

Today, I got into my first car accident. I side swiped the truck next to me merging into another lane. He was in my blind spot. It was a cop. FML

Straight to jail

Today, my child was refusing to leave the playground. I had to pry her, screaming and crying, from the monkey bars. I then realized I had been assaulting someone else's kid. FML

Today, my dog was scooped up by an owl. FML

Today, I came home to my mom dancing the hustle naked. With a group of 4 friends. FML

Today, I had a woman accuse me of trying to steal her husband over the phone, just because I called and asked for him. I'm an interviewer. FML

Today, my mom sold our electronic stuff to pay for hurricane shutters. We live in Chicago. FML

Today, I found out that my dad has been trying to take money out of my savings account to pay for divorce fees and a hammock. FML

Great timing

Today, I got mugged. As the guys who took my purse were about to walk away, my cellphone rang in my pocket. FML

Today, the old lady I've been taking care of and running errands for died. She hadn't paid me yet. FML

Thanks, I think?

Today, after a weekend of helping my sister-in-law move out of our house, vacuuming and mopping her bedroom and bathroom for her, scrubbing her walls and cleaning her shower, transporting her furniture, and getting her carpet professionally cleaned, to cover costs she offered me $14. FML

Today, I was so broke that I paid for a $0.28 candy bar with my credit card. FML