Bodyvehicle

Today, I lost my cell phone. But found it again! And then dropped it in the toilet. FML

Lost

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on MSN when her roommate answered, "Sorry, this isn't Marie, she's at her boyfriend’s." Really? I've looked everywhere in my apartment, and I can’t find her. FML

Today, I was in a nightclub with my girlfriend when a beautiful woman looked at me in the most provocative way. I didn't want to upset my girlfriend, so I escaped to the bar. When I came back, I saw the same girl making out with my girlfriend. Maybe I wasn't the one she was looking at. FML

Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death", otherwise known as my dildo. FML

Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML

Today, on a dating site, I was matched with my brother, again. FML

Today, while spooning my spouse, I was awakened in the wee hours by a huge, junk-rattling fart. This has happened numerous times since she became a vegetarian. FML

Today, while I was shopping, I saw my old friend from high school. After a bit of talking, I ended up giving her my phone number. I wrote it on an old receipt. Little did I remember, the receipt was from when I bought lube and condoms. FML

Thanks Dave, good one

Today, at work, my mouse cursor kept randomly moving all over the screen, and messed up an entire day's attempted work. As I was leaving, I overheard one of my co-workers saying he'd plugged a wireless mouse adapter into my computer, and had been trolling me all day. FML

Sneaky

Today, I caught three kids setting fire to a bush. After chasing them off, I parked my bike by a house and went to get water. After I'd put the fire out, I walked back to my bike just in time to see the kids running off with it. FML

Asshats

Today, I got shot at. Not by police, but by a hunter. While at work. Driving a garbage truck. How the hell a hunter mistook an orange-clad garbageman in a truck for a deer is beyond me. FML

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because I couldn't tell her where the vitamins were in the pharmacy. The manager came and yelled at me for being lazy and incompetent. I work in the store across the street from the pharmacy. FML

Today, my baby son latched onto my nipple for a feed, after a month of having to be bottle fed because he wouldn't latch. This would be fantastic, if it weren't for the fact that I'm his father, not his mother. FML

Please, think of my family…

Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML

This Alpha male shit has gone toor far

Today, my boyfriend insisted that the dog stay in our bedroom while we had sex. He said it would prove his dominance, and "show the dog who's boss." My boyfriend needs to prove his self-worth to an animal. FML

Do you remember the first time?

Today, I was with my boyfriend and we were talking about childhood memories. He told me about a girl he used to make fun of in middle school. That was me. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying we're too different. His only example? He likes ham and I don't. FML

Today, after 5 years of no intimate, sexual contact with a woman, I finally got my chance. Unfortunately, I also discovered that I have full-on erectile dysfunction. I'm 23 years old. FML

Today, I sat on the kitchen counter in my boxers for ten minutes running my feet under hot water. Why? Because my dad thought it would be funny to superglue my feet together. FML

Glad for you

Today, I found out that the only two people I've had feelings for in years are both dating each other. FML

Today, I went to the movies on a date. My chair made a fart sound while I moved around a little, so my date thought I'd let one rip. He then let out a really horrendously smelling one to make me feel less embarrassed, giving me a reassuring look. FML

Today, my boyfriend came up with this thrillingly romantic proposal: “I’m paying way too much income tax. How about we get married?” FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The lights kept on going on and off. Why? The lights are activated by "clap on, clap off." It killed the mood. FML

Today, I discovered that if you are being mugged, never tell your mugger you are going to call the police because he will come back and steal your phone too. FML

WTF dude?

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to have sex with a piece of fruit. FML

Ready, steady…

Today, we had a sprint race in gym class that I wasn't looking forward to because I'm a little chubby. The race started and I shot off as fast as I could, somehow in the lead. Everyone was cheering. When I was nearing the finish line I turned around, only to see the race hadn't started yet. FML

Today, the first snow of the season fell. My husband celebrated by pelting me with snowballs, while I was on the toilet. FML

Today, I caught my husband once again looking at half naked pictures of a friend of mine on Facebook. When I asked why he did it, he said "I was checking to see if they were still there." FML

Today, my mom read my diary. Then she frantically booked me an appointment with a psychiatrist. FML

Today, I found Jesus. The bad news, he was in the form of a concrete statue falling on my car. FML