Iwetmyself

Today, I hid my credit card from myself so I wouldn't use it. Now I can't find it. FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

Poker face

Today, I lost 200 dollars while playing poker with my new sunglasses. Turns out you can see the cards in the reflection. FML

Today, I was feeling really upset and called my boyfriend. He said "Can you feel upset a little later? I'm watching a movie." FML

Today, my father came back from a business trip in Canada. He handed me an "I Love Canada" pen. He brought back an Xbox 360 for my younger brother. FML

Today, I asked to borrow my fat friend's pants for a semi-formal activity tomorrow. I figured I'd just get a belt to hold the pants up. Turns out, the pants fit me. FML

Today, my sister asked if she could look through my closet to find something to wear. She is 6 months pregnant. FML

Today, my mom found a condom in my pocket while doing my laundry. Instead of having the subsequent discussion about the birds and the bees my mother simply asked "Who would have sex with you?" FML

What are you doing?

Today, I started doing a striptease for my husband. He asked me to stop. FML