louie111887

Kiss from a rose

Today, I was told I sound like a seal barking when I orgasm. FML

Today, I have been teaching my 5 year-old step-daughter how to read and write. She came bounding up to me with a piece of paper and said, "look what I did". It was a letter that said "My dad misses my real mommy, not you". FML

Many such cases

Today, I changed my Facebook relationship status to "In a relationship." The girl is made up and the picture is from Google. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend is only with me because he's in love with my sister, who turned him down repeatedly, and I'm the closest he can now get. FML

Panic on the streets of somewhere

Today, while parallel parked, a car stopped next to me, backed up, and hit the woman behind him. When she pulled off to the side to check for damage, she slammed into me. FML

Today, some construction workers kept going in and out the door next to my cubicle. They decided it would be easier to just prop the door open for the next hour. It's 20 degrees outside, and I'm wearing a dress. FML

Panic!

Today, I was driving when I saw a spider hanging from the ceiling of my car. I'm terrified of spiders, so I was watching it instead the road. When I looked back at the road, I had just enough time to swerve to miss the fire hydrant but not the tree. Even the cops laughed at me. FML

Wanking yourself to death

Today, I had an asthma attack because I was masturbating too vigorously. FML

Today, at the supermarket, my mother stopped in the middle of a lane and imitated a gorilla as a way of asking me from far away if I wanted any bananas. FML

Today, my boyfriend moved. He moved from my room... to my housemate's room. FML

Today, my girlfriend gave herself a black eye by running into a door. To avoid being teased about her clumsiness, she's telling everyone that I hit her. FML

Today, I found out I have a huge infected boil on my vagina. The worst part was that I wasn't the one to discover this. My boyfriend was. FML

Today, I got into a car accident. Why? I was distracted by a floating spec of dust and was pretending I was in space. FML

Today, while at school, I slipped on a wet patch in the hall and fell over, smacking my head against the floor. I laid there for a good five minutes in agonizing pain while people literally walked over me. Not a single person bothered to help me up or ask if I was okay. FML

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers from my boyfriend, which is something he's never done before. Unfortunately, this was his way of apologizing for cheating on me. FML

Today, at work, a homeless woman called me trash, threw her coffee at me, and told me to get a job. I do have a job. It's homeless outreach. FML

Hogs gone wild

Today, I got pulled over by a cop. Since my window wasn't working, I opened the door, causing him to run towards me with a drawn gun. He then had a go at me with his night stick. After realizing my window was broken, he laughed and let me off with a warning. FML

Suspicious

Today, I was at work laminating a large photo. While I was doing this, I had a sudden itch on my nut sack. So I quickly scratched it away. When the customer came to pick up the print, I noticed that one of my pubic hairs had laminated itself on the cheek of the woman in the photograph. FML

Today, I came home from work and went to open the door. I Iooked through the window and saw a man in my house. Terrified, I called the police. They came, searched the house, and found nothing missing. I went back inside and looked through the window and saw him again. It was my reflection. FML

Today, my friend decided to come clean to his parents about his pot usage. He told them that he did it with me on many occasions. His parents decided it would be the right thing to call my parents. Thanks a lot asshole. FML

Today, I forgot to take a certain medication that helps turn my lead logs into flaky floaters. So what happens? I'm in the restroom for 30 minutes, straining to go, and two girls walk in and start imitating me. FML

Today, I broke my wrist because a Nutella glass fell on it after I opened the cupboard. FML

Pick me

Today, I made a Facebook under a guy's name and I'm sending myself wall posts just so it looks like I actually talk to a guy. FML

Today, I planned my own wedding down to the very last detail, including favours for my guests, the sweets buffet and the bouquet of flower brooches I want. Too bad I'm still single. FML

Existential crisis

Today, I was pondering the meaning of life - why I'm here, why anyone is here, why go on, and whether it's worth it… Then it hit me. The football in the head, not the meaning of life. FML

Today, I've been unemployed for a year. For the last six months I had been trying for a good paying job at a great company, who kept saying they would hire me when the economy improves. Three weeks ago I gave up and moved 2 hours away. Guess who just called to finally offer me a job. FML

Today, my parents got me a new computer for my birthday. They also took the liberty of throwing out my old computer, with 8 years of photos, videos, music, documents, emails, and bookmarks on it. But that's okay, I had a backup. They threw that out too. FML

Today, I ran into my ex's family, and found out they are going to Europe. Funnily enough, so am I. Even funnier is the fact that we are going on the same date, at the same time, on the same flights, and the tour starts on the same day in the same place. FML

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend watching a home made sex tape he had previously made with his ex-girlfriend. What's worse than him jerking off to it? He was crying and hugging a pillow. FML

Today, I found out that you can get arrested for holding up a 'free hugs' sign. FML