Monsieur Salinas, California, United States 38 ans
Today, my mom woke me up and asked if I wanted breakfast. I had passed out naked on the kitchen floor after a party. FML
Today, my 4-year-old niece told me she likes it when I'm around because I'm "squishy and smell like fried chicken all the time." FML
Today, the guy that I have been seeing for over a year left on a business trip. While straightening out his room as a favor, I noticed he took his condoms with him. FML
Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is getting engaged. He broke up with me five months ago because our relationship was too serious for him. FML
Today, after taking my girlfriend on a date, she invited me back to her place for "hot coffee and dessert." Excitedly, I said yes. When we got there, we actually had coffee and dessert. When I told her this wasn't what I'd had in mind, she kicked me out for being a pervert. FML
Today, I started to type up a mass text to tell a decent amount of my friends that I'd just come home to a surprise from my boyfriend. Trying to fix a typo, I accidentally hit send with the text only saying "Guess what?! I just came." FML
Today, I woke up to go pee and my cat followed me into the bathroom as usual. Then, in a not so usual fashion, she tried to jump from the sink to the top of the toilet, missed, and fell into the bowl while I was peeing. I'm scratched in a bad place, I have urine to clean up off the bathroom floor, and a traumatized cat. FML
Today, I bullied a kid at school, just so someone would talk to me. FML
Today, I rear-ended a car while I was texting about the accident ahead which was causing all the traffic. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided to come over and surprise me. When he got to my apartment and heard the shower running, he decided get in and join me. I was walking my dog, my mother is in town for the weekend. FML
Today, I felt really depressed so I decided to go to McDonald's, get a sundae and cheer myself up. I got pulled over by the cops on the way, and was given a ticket for an expired registration. McDonald's was closed. FML
Today, I was waiting for a friend to pick me up. It was after dark and I was nervous, so when he pulled up I immediately jumped in the car. The young girl in the driver's seat started freaking out, screaming and punching me in the face repeatedly. I'd accidentally gotten in the wrong car. FML
Today, my fiancé told me it was a mistake to propose to me. FML
Today, I woke up to two text messages from my mother. The first said, "You could've had this for breakfast. How do you like your eggs?" The next text was a picture message of her naked. I think it was meant to be sent to her boyfriend. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend if I could call him "love muffin". He asked if he could call me "muffin top". FML
Today, I was ambushed by a very angry beaver. FML
Today, I found out that a street performer makes more money than I do. I have a full time job at the bank. FML
Today, I came through a DUI checkpoint. The trooper noticed some donuts I had. He asked, "Are those donuts?" Jokingly, I replied, "Yes. Why? Are you going to confiscate them?" He didn't see the humor and pulled me off to the side to have a team search my truck. FML
Today, I had to make up a boyfriend to stop my lesbian roommate coming onto me. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend if there's a reason why he has never gone down on me. He responded, "Your back door is too close to your front door and it creeps me out." FML
Today, my fiancé told me that he doesn't think cheating is a big deal because everybody does it. FML
Today, I went to pick up my daughter from preschool. When I got there, I ran to give her a hug. She screamed and ran away. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to hide behind the ice machine at work and jump out randomly and scare people. This resulted in my first victim whacking me in the head with a skateboard. FML
Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth taken out. I happen to be allergic to all types of pain medication. FML
Today, I went and bought my wife a new cell phone for a Christmas present. She called me five minutes later saying she got a notification e-mail thanking her for her purchase. FML
Today, I had the day off from work. I did all the chores hoping to free up time to spend with my husband tonight. When he came home, he looked around and decided that since there was no need for him to stick around and help clean, he'd head to the bar to watch the game with the guys. FML
Today, I wrote a 2000 word essay on "Las Vegas - The City That Never Sleeps". I was proud of my work, until someone pointed out that New York is "The City That Never Sleeps", not Vegas. FML
Today, a snow storm rolled into my small town, leaving my car stuck under 3 feet of snow. I called my boss to tell her I couldn't drive to work. Her reply? "Walk." FML
Today, I wanted to annoy my sister by playing the air horn app on my iPhone. I forgot that I had headphones in. Let's just say I quickly had to change my underwear. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me because his iPod app said I was cheating. FML
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