PillowLava

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Every time I look at one, they hiss at me. FML

Today, my mom made a Facebook status about me: "My daughter is on her rags and won't shut the fuck up #annoyingbitch". FML

Today, I had the house to myself, and I started talking to myself and singing at full volume. When I went to use the bathroom, I found my constipated cousin looking at me strangely. FML

Suitcase mystery

Today, I retrieved the wrong luggage from an airport carousel. I'm now the owner of two water-bras, a false beard, a bag of cat litter, and some anal beads. I'm afraid to get in touch with the original owner. FML

Today, my teenage daughter faked a suicide because I bought her a Samsung instead of an iPhone for her birthday. FML