Mademoiselle 29 ans Célibataire
Today, I went into an exam room to do a check-up on one of my patients. I told the little girl's mother that she needed her flu shots. When the girl heard this, she took an apple out of her pocket and threw it at me. FML
Today, I found out that when I asked my buddy to make sure my girlfriend was safe while I was abroad, he really did; he even used a condom. FML
Today, my hand was stung by a wasp. It has resulted in all my fingers being swollen and therefore much bigger than usual. I'm getting married tomorrow and there's no way I can get the ring on my finger. FML
Today, I found out I'm allergic to condoms. Which would be great if my girlfriend wasn't allergic to birth control. FML
Today, my sister and her new husband invited our family and my fiancé over to look at their wedding pictures. Turns out, I caught the bouquet and flashed the world in the process. FML
Today, I overheard my brother telling his friend that having sex with a girl who's on the pill gives the guy female hormones and "turns you into like, half-chick, half-dude." He was serious. How am I related to this moron? FML
Today, I told my mom that once I leave school, I want to join the clergy, and how much it meant to me. Her response: "Never knew you wanted to molest kids so much!" FML
Today, I thought I would be cute for my one year anniversary with my girlfriend, so I cooked a three course meal for her with candles and rose petals on the floor. She loved the dinner, except now she's passed out in a food coma upstairs while I'm left with the dishes. FML
Today, as a limo driver, I had to drive 8 guys for a night-out from their wives. I put the Michigan/Rutgers game on the radio, thinking they would appreciate that. Apparently, they wanted to listen to their "pump-up" songs instead, which were mostly Katy Perry songs. FML
Today, coming home, I opened up my door to find my drunk boyfriend trying to teach our three baby parakeets to perch on his erect penis. FML
Today, I got stitches in my breast. I never knew how much they jiggled until every bump on the road made my breast feel like it was on fire. FML
Today, I climbed onto my boyfriend's lap and sexily told him "It's getting hot in here," and started unbuttoning my shirt. He said "Oh," pushed me off him, and went to turn the ceiling fan on. FML
Today, I woke up to find "Fuck you, Harry" painted on my car. Harry's my neighbour. FML
Today, my psycho mom walked in while I was chilling and having fun with some friends. She kicked them out and now wants to drug test me, because, "Nobody's that happy without drugs." FML
Today, I went on a first date. Everything was going well until he asked me, "So, what's the biggest thing you've stuck up your vag?" FML
Today, while reading "1984" on the train, a cute guy around my age and I got into a great a discussion about the book. Just when I thought he might ask for my number, he got up, patted me on the head and said it's so nice that kids my age still took interest in real literature. I'm 25. FML
Today, after my first day at work at a local daycare, I found out that I'm not entitled to breaks because I'm the only worker there who doesn't smoke. My boss asked me, ''What do you need a break for?'' FML
Today, I ran a hand down my freshly shaven leg to appreciate the smoothness, only to come up with a hand covered in blood. FML
Today, I was making love to my boyfriend. In the heat of the moment, I said his name. He immediately stopped, gave me a deadly serious look and said "Huh? What?" FML
Today, I was hugging my girlfriend after she had a really bad day at work, when she burst into tears and started sobbing. For some reason that I'll never understand, it gave me a hard-on. She felt it, and now she thinks I'm a sick bastard. FML
Today, I finally felt ready to give my boyfriend a blowjob. Barely 20 seconds in, he said: "I'll be honest, this is TERRIBLE." FML
Today, I overheard my co-workers talking about how they don't need flu shots because everyone else gets them. These people are in the medical industry. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend for what I thought would be a romantic horse-drawn carriage ride. We didn't expect the horse to die in the middle of it. FML
Today, I watched as the teenage neighbor girl tried to parallel-park between me and my wife's cars. She was doing pretty well until she backed into mine, got scared, hit the accelerator and ran into my wife's. FML
Today, my dad vehemently refused to let me go on vacation to France with my best friend, because he watched Taken a few months ago and apparently forgot that it's just a movie. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML
Today, I woke up to my 7 year old son angrily trying to smother me with a pillow. FML
Today, while at work, I was shown CCTV footage of myself staring at the chest belonging to a teenager I was serving. I was accused of being a paedophile and nearly fired, all because I wanted to know what version of Spider-Man was on her T-shirt. FML
Today, I sat my son down for a talk about how he's been too lazy to brush his teeth lately. I said, "Son, we need to have a chat about oral hygiene." He rolled his eyes, sighed, and said he already knew to clean "it" before a girl went down on him, and asked if he could go already. FML
Today, like any other day since that stupid movie Frozen came out, people have been asking me if I want to build a snowman. My name is Elsa. FML
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